A few tips on how moms and dads can help kids manage back-to-school jitters

Hundreds of thousands of Utah kids will be heading back to school this week — so expect an “outbreak” of first-day-of-school butterflies.

All youngsters and adolescents likely battle a few jitters when they make the annual shift from their summer break to a new schedule filled with new teachers, maybe new classmates and new school subjects.

And those jitters only compound when kids are attending a new school.

So yes, going back to school is stressful on kids — even for those excited to return, according to Dee Ray, a mental health counselor and the director emerita at the University of North Texas’ Center for Play Therapy.

“It’s just that children have different levels of how much that stress is affecting them,” said Ray in a conversation with the Deseret News.

All of Utah’s K-12 students — from the kindergartners to the high school seniors — are entering an anxiety-triggering system.

Throughout the school day, kids are being asked to show competency in educational curriculums such as math or reading. But competency is also being measured by their social skill and behavioral recognition.

“That’s going to be stressful for any child,” said Ray.

Children express stress in various ways, she added. Even a child who is excited to be back in class may have trouble sleeping for a few days after returning to class. Another might be reticent and worried about the unknown.

Ray recalled recently speaking to a parent whose first-grader was concerned that there would not be molding clay to play with in the new class.

So moms and dads should be ready to offer assurances to help assuage back-to-school unease “because having some level of hesitancy and concern is all very typical,” said Ray.

Monitoring back to school anxieties

But what about when your child announces: “I’m not going to school.”

For younger children, declaring a refusal to go to school is typically no reason for concern. That’s how little ones express anxiety — and such anxieties can typically be soothed with a good chat.

But common anxieties can evolve into behavior worries when, say, a child absolutely refuses to go to school or cries every night before class.

“You don’t want to get overly concerned about things like crying, but that is telling you the anxiety is at a different level,” said Ray.

Older kids, meanwhile, might look for ways to get out of school by, say, lying or hiding or figuring out ways to miss class.

Again, Ray emphasized, those behaviors are generally related to a child being highly anxious. Perhaps a boy is anxious about underperforming in the classroom. Or maybe a junior high-age girl is worried she won’t have friends.

It’s easy to spot anxiety in a child who frequently cries or refuses to get dressed for school.

But there are other, more subtle signs that a child is experiencing heightened back-to-school anxieties.

One is compulsive behavior, such as a child who is excessively concerned about what to wear to school or if they have an exact type of pen.

“What might look like excitement is actually a really high level of anxiety about going back to school,” said Ray.

Parents should also be attentive to withdrawal behaviors such as a child spending much more time alone in their room or perhaps not wanting to talk about the new school year.

So what can moms and dads do to help an anxious child?

Ray encourages parents to first seek to understand their child’s perspective before moving immediately to worries about that child’s behavior.

Initially, she said, “parents just need to stop, breathe, and reflect on how their child is feeling right now.”

Talk to the child before simply trying to fix their problems, said Ray. Acknowledge their fears about, say, not doing well in math or fitting in with the other kids. Let them know you understand their worries.

“If the child doesn’t feel understood, then it makes them even more isolated and more fearful,” she said.

Once parents understand their child’s worries they can begin communicating and discovering age-appropriate ideas and solutions together.

“And give them choices that allow them to feel like they have more control over the situation,” said Ray, “because usually anxiety is about a lack of control. … Choices are really a great way to give children back their sense of control, which will reduce their anxiety.”

Parents, don’t be afraid to ask for help

Ray also encourages parents to ask for outside help when they are uncertain about how to support a child struggling with back-to-school anxieties.

“Reaching out for help doesn’t mean that a child is in a crisis, it can simply be that a parent needs that extra support because maybe they’ve never had a 9-year-old refuse to go to school or cry on their way to school — and they don’t know what to do for their child.”

It’s OK to reach out to a counselor or a professional child mental health therapist for assistance, assured Ray.

After speaking with parents for a few minutes, Ray can typically determine if moms and dads just need a bit of coaching and support — or if it would be best to meet with the family for in-person therapy.

What can teachers do to help ease back-to-school angst?

When asked how teachers can partner with parents to help an anxious student, Ray explained that children thrive in security and empathy. So teachers with well-established classroom structures can help new students more readily overcome fears of uncertainty.

And then teachers must aim to build trust, especially in the first few weeks of class.

There’s great value in frequent 30-second or 1-minute interactions between a teacher and a student, Ray said.

“It’s about having very individualized interactions where a child can build a relationship with the teacher and then feel that the teacher is somebody that they can trust.”