JANUARY
1 - President-elect William Jefferson Rodham Kennedy Clinton, preparing for the task of being the most powerful human on Earth after 4,000 straight months on the campaign trail, sits down with his top aides and a complete set of the World Book Encyclopedia to learn about all these foreign countries. Meanwhile, outgoing President Bush, feeling depressed, visits Somalia to see if he can find out exactly what the heck we are doing there and whether there are any golf courses.2 - General Motors hires 75,000 workers and immediately lays them off.
6 - Dizzy Gillespie plays his first duet with Gabriel. Rudolf Nureyev makes the Big Leap.
7 - The Clintons, staunch advocates of public education for ordinary humans, announce that they will enroll their own personal child, Chelsea, in an elite private school.
9 - The U.S. Postal Service releases the new Elvis stamp, which weighs 253 pounds and is affixed to the envelope via peanut butter. The Clintons enroll Socks the Cat in Georgetown law school.
13 - The nomination of Zoe Baird, Clinton's choice for attorney general, appears to be in trouble following reports that she is an illegal alien. Several major insurance companies announce that, because of losses caused by Hurricane Andrew, they will insure only those Florida homeowners whose homes meet the tougher new standard of being located outside of Florida.
16 - In a highly symbolic display of symbolism, Bill Clinton and Al Gore begin a historic ride from Monticello, near Charlottesville, Va., to Washington, in the exact same bus that Thomas Jefferson used. Meanwhile, depressed outgoing President Bush shows up unannounced at several Wal-Mart openings in Missouri. Zoe Baird denies allegations that she once stole a truck.
18 - In a disturbing omen, the Clinton-Gore bus, having changed direction over 250 times, is still in the Monticello parking lot. General Motors lays off another 273,000 workers.
20 - The Clinton Inauguration (Official Theme: "Let's Beat the Word `Hope' to Death") goes off without a hitch, except that Depressed Outgoing President Bush shows up in his bathrobe. New President Clinton tells the nation that his "No. 1 priority" will be "jobs, a tax cut for the middle class, deficit reduction, health care, NAFTA, crime, dental hygiene, litter control, jogging, hair care, foreign affairs and establishing control over the weather." The final credits roll for Audrey Hepburn.
23 - Zoe Baird is forced to withdraw her name from nomination following a tense 18-hour standoff with agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. President Clinton, exploring the White House, goes down into the basement and is shocked to discover a large federal budget deficit.
FEBRUARY
6 - In another setback for the new administration, President Clinton's second choice for attorney general, Kimba Wood, is forced to withdraw from consideration after The Washington Post reports that she failed to pay the federal tax on people who are named after lionesses.
7 - General Motors brings 87,000 workers out of retirement so it can lay them off. Arthur Ashe jumps his last net.
8 - Professional baseball-team owners suspend Cincinnati Reds owner Marge Schott on the grounds of "extreme stupidity, even by baseball-team-owner standards," thereby forcing President Clinton to drop her from his short list of attorney general possibilities.
9 - President Clinton announces that he is sending troops "into this blue-colored country next to this pink-colored country here."
10 - In the most important television event in over 500 years, Michael Jackson is interviewed by Oprah Winfrey and reveals that he has a rare skin disease that requires him to hold slumber parties.
12 - Keeping a campaign promise, President Clinton signs a Family Leave Bill granting employees who have new babies the legal right to leave their families and come to work and get some sleep.
15 - After a frantic search, President Clinton picks Janet Reno to be his attorney general, citing her "tremendous height." Sen. Bob Packwood is hospitalized after he attempts to give Reno what his aides claim was "only a congratulatory hug."
16 - Revealing his new tax plan, President Clinton states that, because of this deficit thing, he will have to increase taxes, but only on the rich, defined as "anybody who owns more than one shoe."
23 - In a bid to stop the fighting in Bosnia, the United States threatens to drop military food on it. All sides immediately agree to hold peace talks.
26 - In a tragedy that shocks the nation, a massive bomb blast rocks the World Trade Center, just two days after the World Trade Center bombing episode of "Beavis and Butt-head."
27 - Following a spate of attacks on tourists, the state of Florida, after years of delay, finally announces that it will stop issuing "Y" and "Z" license plates for rental cars. "From now on," said a spokesperson, "the tags will just say `TOURISTS.' "
28 - Near Waco, Texas, agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, suspecting firearms violations in the Branch Davidian compound, smoothly execute an action plan masterminded by Wile E. Coyote.
MARCH
3 - Another snag develops in the effort to restore democracy to Haiti when ousted President Aristide fails to qualify for a discount plane ticket because he cannot promise the airline that he will stay over for at least one Saturday night.
5 - President Clinton proposes a public service program under which young people, in exchange for college tuition, would spend two years serving as members of his Cabinet.
8 - Seeking to reduce violence in the high schools, the New York City School Board, in a move strongly supported by the teachers, votes to ban students.
10 - In Los Angeles, attorneys in the Rodney King assault trial present expert witnesses who state that the officers were influenced by the motorist-beating episode of "Beavis and Butt-head."
17 - Helen Hayes takes her final bow.
20 - Scientists for the Tobacco Institute, after a 17-year study, release a report stating that there is "absolutely no scientific evidence" that people who purchase cigarettes do so with the intention of smoking them.
22 - Tension mounts in Moscow as President Boris Yeltsin and the Russian parliament get into a big fight over who gets to use the government car. Rupert Murdoch purchases The New York Post.
23 - In a setback for NASA, the launch of the space shuttle Enervator is aborted at the last second when a computer indicates that at least four of the astronauts are still asleep back at the motel. George Steinbrenner purchases The New York Post.
25 - On a positive note, U.S. government economists report that the job outlook is very strong if you are a U.S. government economist.
APRIL
1 - In what mathematicians call a million-to-one coincidence, Oprah Winfrey, Phil Donahue, Geraldo Rivera and Sally Jessy Raphael all get through their entire shows WITHOUT ONCE MENTIONING AMY FISHER. April Fool.
3 - General Motors executives announce a project to develop a time machine so they can lay off employees working in the past.
7 - Scientists at the Tobacco Institute release a report stating that there is "absolutely no scientific evidence" proving that the pope is Catholic. Macaulay Culkin purchases The New York Post.
8 - Marian Anderson joins the heavenly choir.
11 - In his first major foreign-policy address, President Clinton announces that he has located Somalia on the map and decided that our mission will be to feed starving people and capture the evil fugitive warlord Gen. Mohammed Aidid so that he (President Clinton) can go over there and have a town meeting and straighten everything out.
19 - In Waco, federal authorities, concerned about the safety of Branch Davidian children under the control of apocalyptic suicidal paranoid loons, develop a seemingly flawless plan: Attack the compound with armored vehicles. Everybody is shocked when the violent paranoid loons do not respond well to this.
28 - True Item: Officials in Tacoma, Wash., discover that 18-year-old Frank Daltron, scheduled for induction into the Tacoma Youth Hall of Fame, is awaiting retrial on charges of first-degree murder after having admitted that he killed his mother with an ax. The Youth Hall of Fame motto is "Ordinary Youth Doing Extraordinary Things."
30 - Another True Item: In an effort to raise money to restore fire-damaged Windsor Palace, Queen Elizabeth II decides to allow the public to tour Buckingham Palace for an admission charge.
MAY
6 - True Item: Just-released government documents reveal that Walt Disney was an informant for the FBI.
8 - Scientists report that they have isolated the gene that causes people to insist on showing you wallet photographs of their children, but the cure is still years away.
9 - Buckingham Palace reports "very strong" sales of the three-volume Prince Charles Cellular Phone Tapes.
13 - In Somalia, U.S. troops are thwarted in their effort to capture warlord Gen. Mohammed Aidid because Aidid has shrewdly registered under a false name - "Fugitive Gen. John Smith" - at the Mogadishu Hilton, where he is staying in the Warlord Suite.
15 - A record total of 2,537 bargain-hunters call the Home Shopping Network and purchase The New York Post.
17 - Testing a concept that will soon be available to consumers nationwide, telephone company engineers wire a Chicago neighborhood with a special fiber-optic cable that enables consumers to receive Chinese food over the phone.
22 - In Los Angeles, President Clinton, acting on the advice of new public-image adviser Ed Rollins, gets a haircut. The Chicago fiber-optic experiment goes awry when a teenage girl leaves her phone off the hook and a four-bedroom home is completely flooded with wonton soup.
25 - A New York judge, after hearing extensive arguments from lawyers for Woody Allen and Mia Farrow, awards custody of the children to Marge and Homer Simpson.
JUNE
3 - True Item: A rookie Greyhound bus driver, driving the red-eye from Atlanta to Tallahassee on his first solo trip, gets sleepy and has a passenger take over the wheel for the rest of the trip. The driver is fired when the bus reaches Tallahassee.
4 - The fired Greyhound driver is immediately hired by Exxon to pilot oil tankers.
8 - Fighting in Bosnia halts as soldiers for both sides line up to see "Jurassic Park."
17 - True Item: A consumer in Seattle reports finding a hypodermic syringe in a can of Diet Pepsi.
18 - The U.S. Department of Human Persons releases the results of a $3.6 million study showing that women are six times as likely as men to be named "Midge." Congress vows action.
19 - True Item: The Washington Post reports that President Clinton has a previously unknown half-brother living in California.
29 - NBC, after a lengthy search for a wacky and zany replacement for David Letterman, announces that it has settled on Ross Perot.
30 - True Item: To compensate for minor irregularities in the Earth's rotation, official international timekeepers add one second to this day. U.S. law firms adjust their bills.
JULY
1 - A consumer in Detroit reports finding a switchblade knife in a can of Diet Pepsi.
3 - True Item: In the wake of a massacre at a San Francisco law firm, the head of the California Bar Association says that lawyer jokes are partly responsible.
6 - In California, police arrest 23 million people for violating the state's new anti-lawyer-joke law.
8 - In a major breakthrough, Japanese trade negotiators, after two years of stiff resistance, agree to order an American pizza.
13 - Massive flooding strikes the Midwest, only days after the massive-flooding episode on "Beavis and Butt-head."
29 - Bell Laboratories announces that it has developed a telephone device that automatically identifies telephone solicitors, then hunts them down and beats them with sticks.
AUGUST
3 - A consumer in Baton Rouge reports finding a machete in a can of Diet Pepsi.
9 - True Item: The Associated Press reports that a Tucson woman could be President Clinton's previously unknown half-sister.
11 - In a 7-2 vote divided strictly along gender lines, the Supreme Court rules that it does not want to hear ANYTHING about the John Wayne Bobbitt case.
27 - In another setback for the space program, scientists at the National Aeronautics and Setbacks Administration are unable to contact the Mars Observer space probe.
28 - Speaking of space probes: Michael Jackson cancels a concert in Tokyo because of what a spokesperson describes as "a headache." The Weekly World News reports that a woman in Omaha is President Clinton's half-mother.
30 - NASA scientists finally contact the Mars Observer space probe, only to be greeted by an answering machine that does nothing except repeat, over and over, in a very pleasant voice: "Your call is important to us."
31 - An alarming new study shows that U.S. students are doing worse than ever on standardized math tests because many of them can no longer figure out how to turn on their calculators.
SEPTEMBER
1 - A consumer in Boston reports finding an AK-47 assault rifle in a can of Diet Pepsi.
5 - In a move strongly opposed by the National Rifle Association, the California State Legislature passes a law requiring a five-day "cooling-off" period on purchases of Diet Pepsi.
8 - President Clinton and Vice President Gore, standing in front of two forklifts laden with enormous piles of government regulations, announce that they are going to reinvent the federal government. Everybody has a good laugh, especially the 23,475 employees of the U.S. Department of Forklift Affairs.
10 - Congress, acting with unusual speed and urgency, forms 11 new subcommittees that will hold hearings on "reinventing" government just as soon as they hire staffs and complete fact-finding trips to see if, for example, Monte Carlo also has a government.
14 - Raymond Burr rests for the defense.
16 - The reinvention of the federal government continues apace as President Clinton signs an order that would eliminate the 250,000 jobs currently held by federal employees who are legally dead.
23 - In a major address, President Clinton announces that the nation's current health-care system is bloated, inefficient, unresponsive, overpriced, wasteful and stupid, and that therefore he wants to turn control of it over to: the federal government. Extra forklifts are brought to the White House to display the plan for the new, streamlined health-care system.
25 - Testifying on her health-care reform plan, Hillary Rodham Clinton is a huge hit on Capitol Hill as she is able, under close questioning, to correctly identify all the parts of the lymphatic system.
27 - In Arizona, the eight crew members of Biosphere 2 emerge from the totally sealed-off environment where they have lived for two years without any direct contact with the outside world. Clearly visible behind them as they walk out is a mound consisting of an estimated 5,000 Domino's pizza boxes.
OCTOBER
1 - A consumer in Phoenix reports finding a nuclear submarine in a can of Diet Pepsi.
2 - At the government's urging, millions of Americans receive flu shots, administered by Hillary Rodham Clinton. Michael Jackson cancels a concert in London because of what a spokesperson describes as "postnasal drip."
6 - True Item: President Clinton announces that he wants to get the U.S. out of Somalia and is therefore sending 2,000 more troops over there.
8 - In a development that receives more coverage than anything that happened all year in Bosnia, Michael Jordan announces that he will not be playing basketball this year. President Clinton vows to hold several town meetings.
10 - Michael Jackson cancels a concert in Barcelona because of what a spokesperson describes as "a 14-foot tapeworm."
15 - True Item: Researchers report that people who are listening to Mozart score higher on tests.
18 - Researchers report that test-takers who are listening to "new age" music often cannot figure out how to work the pencil.
21 - In Los Angeles, the jury in the Reginald Denny beating trial, after much thinking, concludes that Person A is not necessarily trying to kill Person B just because Person A happens to very deliberately bash Person B's skull in with a brick. The verdict is applauded by scientists at the Tobacco Institute.
25 - True Item: Researchers announce that they have developed a cream, derived from an asthma remedy, that will remove fat from thighs.
27 - Wildfires rage through the hills and canyons of Southern California only hours after the broadcast of the wildfire episode of "Beavis and Butthead."
31 - The New York Times reports that, for the first time ever, scientists have divided a human embryo into two, producing two identical clones, thereby raising the tricky ethical question of whether the embryos' made-for-TV-movie rights must be negotiated separately.
NOVEMBER
1 - A consumer in Detroit reports finding a full combat division of the Iraqi army in a can of Diet Pepsi. Ross Perot claims NAFTA will permit "giant Mexican squirrels" to cross the border and bite people.
18 - In what many observers see as a veiled threat, Sen. Bob Packwood says that his diary contains entries suggesting that "at least six members now serving in the Senate" are half-brothers of President Clinton.
20 - Michael Jackson announces that he has become addicted to talking in a squeaky voice and will return to his home planet for treatment.
22 - On the 30th anniversary of John F. Kennedy's death, a Los Angeles jury views the Zapruder film and concludes that the shooting was a suicide.
DECEMBER
2 - The space shuttle Endeavour blasts off on a historic mission to repair the crippled Hubble Orbiting Space Punch Line.
6 - An alarming new study shows that 14 percent of Americans do not speak English, and the vast majority of them write computer manuals.
7 - Astronauts aboard the space shuttle Endeavour arrive at the Hubble telescope and discover that it has been smashed beyond recognition in a high-speed collision with the Mars Observer.
9 - The public becomes further outraged about the influence of television on young people following an incident wherein a 4-year-old Cincinnati girl, after watching the House of Representatives on C-Span, accepts large contributions from special interest groups in exchange for introducing favorable legislation.
18 - A sheepish President Clinton announces that he finally got around to actually READING the NAFTA agreement, and it turns out that Mexico now has 124 seats in the U.S. Senate.
27 - The Senate votes to give Texas back to Mexico. There is surprisingly little public opposition to this.
31 - In a development that deeply disturbs the international community, the Chicago Tribune reports that the Chinese have agreed to sell nuclear weapons to the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. We do not wish to create panic, but this news comes only hours before the scheduled broadcast of the end-of-the-world episode of "Beavis and Butt-head." It's best not to think about it.
Happy New Year.