ANDRE - * * - Keith Carradine, Tina Majorino, Chelsea Field; rated PG (vulgarity, violence); Carmike Cottonwood Mall and Plaza 5400 Theaters, Century 9 Theaters, Cinemark Sandy Movies 9, the Gateway 6 Cinemas.
CAMP NOWHERE - * * - Christopher Lloyd, Johnathan Jackson, Wendy Makkena, M. Emmet Walsh; rated PG (vulgarity, profanity, comic violence); Carmike Creekside Plaza and Plaza 5400 Theaters, Century 9 Theaters, Cinemark Sandy Movies 9, Cineplex Odeon Trolley Corners Cinemas, the Queen Theater (with "In the Army Now"), Redwood Drive-in (with "The Lion King"), the Reel Theaters.
BLANKMAN - * 1/2 - Damon Wayans, David Alan Grier, Robin Givens, Jason Alexander; executive produced and co-written by Wayans; rated PG-13 (violence, profanity, vulgarity, nude photos); Cineplex Odeon Trolley Square Cinemas.
WAGONS EAST - turkey - John Candy, Richard Lewis, John C. McGinley, Ellen Greene; rated PG-13 (violence, sex, profanity, vulgarity, nude painting); Century 9 Theaters, Cinemark Sandy Movies 9, Cineplex Odeon Crossroads Plaza, Holladay Center and Midvalley Cinemas, the Gateway 6 Cinemas, Redwood Drive-in (with "It Could Happen to You"), the Reel Theaters.
MILK MONEY - turkey - Melanie Griffith, Ed Harris, Michael Patrick Carter, Malcolm McDowell; rated PG-13 (violence, sex, vulgarity, profanity, partial nudity); Carmike Creekside Plaza and Plaza 5400 Theaters, Century 9 Theaters, Cinemark Sandy Movies 9, the Gateway 6 Cinemas, the Reel Theaters.
What I learned on my summer vacation: They don't call August the "dog days" for nothing.
Having been out of the movie-reviewing loop for the past three weeks, I have now managed to catch up with the films that opened while I was on vacation - and most were dogs indeed.
Among them were five so-called "family pictures," though only two really qualify - "Andre" and "Camp Nowhere."
I wouldn't want my children anywhere near the other three.
- "ANDRE" is a predictable girl-and-her-seal picture, the true story of a youngster who becomes attached to a seal, teaches it some remarkable tricks and then finds that the darn thing won't go back to live in the sea.
The story is set in 1962, as a Maine harbor master (Keith Carradine) comes across an injured baby seal that has been caught in a fisherman's net. Carradine and his daughter (young Tina Majorino) nurse the seal (actually played by a sea lion) back to health, name him "Andre" and teach him all sorts of clever routines - from dancing the twist to playing catch. Andre is such a natural showman that he eventually becomes a national celebrity.
The villain of the piece is a surly fisherman who feels the local fishing business has dropped because of seals in the area, and he's determined to do Andre in. Fortunately, there is a terrible storm in the end - which is, of course, just the thing to bond together families, neighbors and seal-haters.
Aside from the enjoyable oldies soundtrack score, "Andre" is merely an undistinguished "Free Willy" knockoff. But it's pleasant enough for children, and Majorino is an excellent little actress (she also co-stars in the upcoming "Corrina, Corrina").
"Andre" is rated PG for some mild vulgarity and violence.
- "CAMP NOWHERE" looks absolutely dreadful from the trailers (theatrical previews) but it proves to be a reasonably pleasant diversion, about a bunch of well-to-do kids who are tired of the geeky summer camps their parents ship them to every summer. So, they come up with a plan to form their own run-by-the-kids summer camp, with the help of the moderately adult Christopher Lloyd.
As you might expect, most of the movie is made up of the kids' attempts to cover up the scheme, so their parents don't catch on, while they romp in the mud, have food fights and gather around the television to catch "Beverly Hills 90210." (The "popcorn omelet" so prominently featured in the trailer is not in the movie, however.)
But the film's best laughs come from Lloyd's antics, as he adopts several disguises and accents to help their efforts. (Wendy Makkena, the sweet, innocent nun in "Sister Act," is charming, if nearly unrecognizable, as a teacher attracted to Lloyd.)
The youngsters in the cast are appealing and the film is amusing, though it never quite builds up the head of steam it seems to be aiming for. But it is innocent fun and should appeal to the pre-teen audience.
"Camp Nowhere" is rated PG for comic violence, a couple of profanities and a few vulgar gags.
- "BLANKMAN" is Damon Wayans' attempt to create a big-screen African-American comic superhero, in a similar fashion to Robert Townsend's failed "The Meteor Man" last year.
Unfortunately, Wayans' effort isn't any better than Townsend's - the laughs just aren't there.
Wayans plays something of an idiot savant, a ridiculous nerd with no social skills whatsoever who creates complicated Rube Goldberg machines out of household junk - including a robot that is part washing machine.
The plot has Wayans getting fed up with the crime-filled streets of his neighborhood, especially after his grandmother is killed by local mobsters. So, he comes up with a weird superhero outfit and goes after the hoods in his hood.
Meanwhile, his brother (David Alan Grier), who works for a local television tabloid news program, is trying to crack the "real" news shows and is smitten with a beautiful anchor (Robin Givens). But wouldn't you know it - "Blank-man" is the big news story of the day, and the anchor only has eyes for this new superhero of the streets.
Some of this is mildly amusing but there is a mean spirit that undercuts the laughs and the violence is surprisingly harsh. In addition, there is a string of vulgar gags, some of them quite disgusting - including Grier's pickup lines. No wonder he can't get a date.
An unfortunate misfire, "Blankman" is rated PG-13 for violence, profanity, vulgarity and some nude photos.
- "WAGONS EAST" (which does not have an exclamation point on the film's title - that's just in the ads) is a sad farewell for John Candy, who died during production earlier this year.
Candy made a lot of dud comedies during his career but this is one of the worst, lacking any discernible humor and paling in comparison to such other comedy Westerns as "Blazing Saddles" and "Support Your Local Sheriff," which did a much better job of sending up cowpoke cliches.
Candy plays a drunken wagonmaster hired to take a bunch of disillusioned Easterners back home, including a gay bookseller (John C. McGinley), a hooker with a heart of gold (Ellen Greene), an uptight banker (Robert Picardo) and a cattle rancher named Phil (Richard Lewis).
The players seem game and the basic story isn't a bad idea - but the execution is extremely poor, with a soggy script and perfunctory direction that mutes any intended humor.
"Wagons East" is rated PG-13 for violence, sex, profanity, vulgarity and a nude painting prominently displayed in a saloon.
- "MILK MONEY" has a storyline that is truly wrong-headed and has no business being sold as a kids' picture.
Get this: Three young innocent suburbanite boys pool their meager savings, come up with $100 and head for the city to see a naked lady. They meet up with a prostitute named V (Melanie Griffith, doing her ditsy blonde act) who obliges by removing her blouse (with her back to the camera).
When their bikes are stolen, V drives the boys home in the boss's car, not realizing the pimp has hidden thousands of dollars in the gas tank - money he's stolen from his boss.
Naturally, once they get into inner suburbia, the car breaks down. So, one of the boys, whose mother has died, decides V would be perfect for his father (Ed Harris, who looks uncomfortable) and decides to play matchmaker. To facilitate his plan, he puts V up in his tree-house.
All of this hits some kind of zenith . . . or nadir . . . when the boy takes V to his school as a visual aid for a report on the female reproductive system.
And, of course, the film ends with mobster Malcolm McDowell tracking V to the suburbs, complete with gunplay, a car chase and an explosion.
Ridiculous, tasteless, offensive and unfunny, "Milk Money" was the perfect final film to see in this string of losers. It made all the others seem better.
"Milk Money" is rated PG-13, which seems rather light considering the subject matter, and contains violence, sex, profanity, vulgarity and partial nudity.