At age 15 months, Sam Talman is a daunting combination of curious and fearless. Now that he's adept at pushing a bar stool around the kitchen, he uses it to climb everywhere. "He's a wild man," says his mother, Nancy Young, of Knoxville, Tenn. "If I tell him to get down, he looks at me as if to say, `Why is she so hysterical?' If I pull him down, he goes limp like a boneless chicken, then climbs right up again when my back is turned. Once I tried putting his food on top of the stool and letting him stand on the floor to eat it, but my husband didn't think that was very civilized."
Alas, civility seldom applies to those under three feet tall. Advice abounds on how to discipline preschoolers, school-age children and teenagers, but how do you teach good behavior to a barely verbal toddler whose understanding of such refined concepts as manners, sharing and empathy - not to mention personal safety - is primitive at best?Although a challenge for parents, teaching boundaries during babyhood affects both current and future social development, says Burton White, director of the Center for Parent Education in Newton, Mass. From the first time your 7-month-old innocently pulls off your glasses or your 10-month-old discovers she can push the buttons on the TV, your responses shape her future actions. How a child is disciplined between the ages of 7 and 24 months seems to have a profound influence on whether she's a delight or a terror at age 3, White says. "Things work out best when it is made very clear that the parent runs the home, not the baby," he says.
Discipline is, of course, a nonstop, often vexing process, one that Dr. William Sears, a pediatrician and co-author of "The Discipline Book," describes as a delicate combination of correcting unacceptable behaviors and promoting those you want to reinforce. A little parental preparation can take a lot of the difficulty out of the D-word.
PUT YOURSELF IN THEIR BOOTIES
Understanding what makes a baby tick will help parents have more realistic expectations, says Dr. Marianne Neifert, a pediatrician at Presbyterian/St. Luke's Medical Center in Denver and the author of "Dr. Mom's Parenting Guide." Next time you find yourself growing irritated with your child's behavior, try to figure out what's behind it.
- Curiosity. "A 7-month-old's job is to crawl, touch, and explore," Neifert says. A baby who persists in playing with the telephone or grabbing the cat's tail is not being willfully disobedient, he's just fascinated by what he sees. This discovery-by-doing continues through toddlerhood.
- Testing. The developmental phase between 14 months and 22 months is "a preview of adolescence," says White, because as a child grows increasingly aware of his personal power, he tries to wield it at every opportunity. "Don't try to get rid of the pacifier or begin toilet training during that time," he warns.
- Desire for attention. A child might drop food from his high-chair because he's bored or because he gets a thrill out of the hullabaloo that inevitably follows. "Parents often reserve their comments and actions only for misdeeds," says Neifert. "But a child's craving for attention is so great that he'll prefer to take the consequences of misbehavior rather than be ignored."
- Frustration. Toddlers try to do a lot of things that they simply aren't capable of. "Don't rush to comfort a child at every little frustration," says Edward Christophersen, a psychologist at Children's Mercy Hospital in Kansas City, Mo., and the author of "Beyond Discipline." Instead, give him a chance to work it out on his own.
- Physical discomfort. Fatigue, hunger and sickness can cause kids to act up. Drag a child around on errands past her naptime, and that tantrum in the checkout line won't really be about wanting a lollipop, says Neifert; it's the child's way of saying "Enough!"
SET THEM UP FOR SUCCESS
Many toddler meltdowns are preventable. Childproofing the house, for instance, forestalls a lot of battles. Make your home safe for free exploration, reassessing hazards as the baby grows.
Also try to schedule errands for times when your child is well-rested, and bring along snacks or a toy when you go shopping, suggests Sears. If you know your child can't sit still in a restaurant, why tempt fate? Order takeout instead.
Offering children choices is another way to head off power struggles. When Holly Breach's daughter, Natalie, suddenly refused to wear certain clothes at 19 months, the Naperville, Ill., mother stopped pushing. She now presents two appropriate outfits and lets Natalie pick one. "She gets her way, and I get mine too," says Breach.
DON'T FEAR BEING FIRM
"Often a child who misbehaves is begging for you to say, `These are the limits,' to reassure him that you're in control," Neifert says. She acknowledges that establishing appropriate limits is often easier than enforcing them. But by not taking action when a youngster repeatedly defies you, Neifert points out, you're giving tacit approval to the misdeed.
Laurie Farmer, the mother of a feisty 13-month-old boy in Alpharetta, Ga., agrees. Whenever her son, Cole, walks on the sofa, "I first try to divert his attention," says Farmer. "But if he keeps doing it, I look him in the eye and say `no' firmly. If he continues, I give him a time-out. He needs to learn that if I say no, I mean it."
Be sure to couple firmness with kindness by using an even tone and choosing words carefully, says Jane Nelsen, co-author of the "Positive Discipline" book series. "If the discipline involves blaming, shaming, or pain, it's counterproductive," she adds.
Spanking, for example, may seem to send an I-mean-business message, but experts believe that hitting a child doesn't work, and in fact, reinforces aggression. Also try to steer clear of psychological blows, says Nelsen: Avoid comments such as "You're so bad today!" (it's the behavior that's bad, not the child) and "Don't be selfish!" (toddlers can't understand sharing yet).
Playing the bad guy can be especially tough for working parents. Who wants to spoil precious time together by nagging? "But children of working parents still need house rules," says Sears.
AIM FOR CONSISTENCY
For a rule to be taken seriously, it must be applied the vast majority of the time, says Neifert.
The end of the workday is a common time for parental defenses to be down, and it can be all too easy to look the other way when kids break the rules. One way to avoid falling into that trap is to reduce stress during that hectic time - even if it means buying a fast-food dinner on a really rushed day or popping one of your child's favorite tapes into the VCR to allow you both 30 minutes to relax.
What about consistency between parents? Terry Landwehr of Coppell, Texas, routinely refused to buy a balloon for her 20-month-old daughter in the grocery checkout line. "I didn't want her to think she can get everything she wants by throwing a tantrum," says Landwehr. "My husband gives in a lot more. He would probably buy the balloon and come home with the Ernie bubble bath, too."
Sears thinks it's fine if both parents don't follow exactly the same rules. "A child realizes that parents have different styles and learns to respond accordingly."
STOP SAYING NO
Think how you'd react if you heard something over and over all day long: You'd tune it out. That's what happens to a baby or toddler who hears a constant refrain of "no," says Christophersen. Try substituting "yes," as in, "Yes, I'll get you out of the highchair after I wash your hands." Instead of "No throwing food!" say "Food stays on the tray."
Quick, telegraphic phrases can be quite effective at this age, says Sears: "Dirty - don't touch," "Not for Lauren," "Not safe!" "Stop!" or "Hot!"
Beware, also, of diluting the power of "no" through what Nelsen calls "piggybacking." "Many parents don't just say no," she says. "They add on all this other stuff: `You're a bad girl. Why did you do that? Now Mommy won't take you to the park.' Sometimes it's best not to say anything. Just pick her up and move her to a different activity."
CHOOSE THE RIGHT BATTLES
Of course, it's not always clear when to act and when to look the other way. Should you stop a 14-month-old from putting his arm down your shirt (harmless but annoying)? Or let an 18-month-old sit on your lap while you're trying to eat dinner (cozy the first time, but intrusive thereafter)?
Neifert advises saving your strength for the truly destructive habits, a philosophy that Jane Polett of Spartanburg, S.C., agrees with. "If my daughters are doing something that could hurt them, like playing with my pens and pencils, I make both girls give the object to me and then I distract them," says Polett, the mother of an 8-month-old and a 2-year-old. "But if it's something harmless, like pulling coasters off the coffee table, I let it go even if I don't like it."
As long as a temper tantrum isn't hurting anyone else, just ignore it, says White. But if the child is throwing things, say, or hitting, you should intervene. His rule of thumb: If you're in doubt about whether to correct a baby's misbehavior, go ahead and do it. Most parents, says White, err on the side of leniency with very young children.
DO UNTO OTHERS
Everyone has witnessed a mother slapping her child's hand as she chastises, "No hitting!" "It's amazing how often parents are disrespectful while they're trying to teach respect," Nelsen says.
"Once, in the grocery store, my son Joshua, age 2, tried to bite people as they walked by," recalls Kathy Tufnell of Richmond, Mich. "I was really tempted to bite him back, but what kind of example would that set?" Instead, she firmly said, "No biting," and quickly ended the outing.
Grabbing is another typical toddler behavior that parents often unwittingly model, Sears says, by snatching things out of little hands themselves. "The mind of a growing child is a video camera that records everything he sees and hears," he says. Better, he advises, to first ask for the object in a no-nonsense voice. Then distract the child with something else.
ACCENTUATE THE POSITIVE
The most popular discipline tactic may be the time-out, but Christophersen argues that a more compelling tool is a "time-in" -showing approval when your child is behaving well. Occasional praise, compliments, encouragement and eye contact all help build self-confidence, he explains, reducing the overall need for discipline. Touch is also effective, he says. "If a child is looking at a picture book and you interrupt to say, `Mommy's so proud! You're reading so well!' he'll be distracted and stop. But if you quietly rub his back, you convey the same message."
Can't talk on the phone without all heck breaking loose? "Use a long extension cord or a portable phone so that you can gently pat the child on the head while you're talking. That way, he gets attention instead of the message that he's about to be ignored for a very long time," suggests Christophersen.
When her son Joshua (now 3) was a baby, Lisa Cawley of Denver, N.C., found a way to weave positive reinforcement into their evening routine, a practice she also uses with her 1-year-old, Miles. "Every evening we talk about what we did that day and how well-behaved he was or how he did something especially nice," she says. "It's so easy to say 10 negative things to your child for every one positive thing. I think we forget to tell them how wonderful they are."