Here's exactly what television doesn't need - another teenage soap opera from Aaron Spelling.
The world wouldn't necessarily be a better place without "Malibu Shores" (Saturday, 7 p.m., Ch. 5), but it certainly isn't a better place with this new show.Not only is "Shores" lowbrow junk, it's pretentious lowbrow junk.
"I think it's a `Romeo and Juliet' with a little `West Side Story' thrown in," Spelling had the gall to tell TV critics. "I think it's a clash of two groups of people in different financial stratas."
The plot, such as it is, involves Chloe (Keri Russell), the rich girl from Malibu, and Zack (Tony Lucca), the poor boy from Valley. And, while the rich world seems real enough, Spelling's idea of what life among the less-privileged is like is laughable.
Actually, the whole thing is like a bad B movie from the '50s, complete with weak writing and lots of bad acting. (Although Russell and Lucca - both veterans of the Disney Channel's "Mickey Mouse Club," ironically - are pretty good with the roles they're given.)
As always, this Spelling production is glitzy and glossy. But it's the television equivalent of Las Vegas - all veneer and no substance.
The problems are either superficial or they're handled superficially. Kid burns down his house? Give him a little more love. Kid has a drinking problem? Well, after he nearly kills himself in a car accident, he'll get over it.
And there's the sleaze always associated with such Spelling products - including a 15-year-old girl who loses her virginity on a dare.
Not to mention that "Shores" was originally a one-shot movie. All the storylines were neatly (if tritely) wrapped up - so Spelling and Co. slapped a jarring five-minute segment on the end to lead into more episodes to come.
Oddly enough, Spelling - the man who has brought us everything from "Dynasty" to "The Love Boat" to "Melrose Place" - seems somewhat defensive these days about his reputation as a schlockmeister.
"I firmly believe that entertainment is not a nasty word. . . . I don't think there's anything wrong in doing entertainment, especially if in entertaining you can say some things," Spelling said.
No argument here. But "Malibu Shores" not entertaining, and it doesn't have anything to say, either.
There's nothing wrong with good soap opera. But this is bad soap opera - and there are few things worse than that.