I woke up one recent morning and realized that I have been taken over by the commercial world.
See, I live not far from a Smith's Food and Drug Center, and they just made the most remarkable change in the history of the grocery world.No, I'm not talking about the much-ballyhooed merger with Fred Meyer (will it be Fred Smith?) - rather, I'm thinking of the commercial coup of all time - the FRESH VALUES card.
You know what I mean, Shirley. (Er, uh, I mean, surely.)
Everyone who is anyone now has a Fresh Values card and is a member for life.
I'm talking about the Fresh Values card I carry in my wallet or checkbook, the magic card that I simply present at the check-out counter and SAVE.
By becoming a Fresh Values card holder, I can enjoy extra discounts on thousands of items every day. It's that simple.
I'll save instantly. There are a lot of savings packed into one little card.
Need I say more? Yes, and here's what.
If Smith's really wanted to save us a bunch of money, why didn't they just give everyone a universal discount and forget the stupid card?
Because they wanted to remind us of how nice they are being to us - and they wanted to force us to carry an extra card - along with our credit cards, our driver's licenses, our insurance cards and our business cards.
Something to make our wallets fatter.
But I don't have to carry such a big card. My wife has the big, primary card, and I have a smaller card that fits perfectly on my key chain.
Don't worry about the fact that I have always hated sticking extra stuff on my key chain as much as I hate a fat wallet.
Now I have a key chain dominated by a purple, green and yellow Fresh Values card.
Whenever I go through the checkout counter, I must dig into my pocket and then pass my keys to the checker. I usually say, "Bring my car around front, will you?"
The checker stoically ignores that whimsical comment, then scans in my Fresh Values card and saves me an astronomical $2.13.
Unless, of course, I take the other car to the store by mistake, in which case I discover I have no Fresh Values card on my key chain.
"Yikes! What do I do?" I ask the checker in a panic.
He calmly circles the amount of my purchase on the receipt, and says, "Just bring this in the next time you shop, show your card, and we will deduct the appropriate amount from your bill."
What a relief.
My wife had a more serious problem. The checker walked several feet away to check on a price and lost her Fresh Values card. Sounds like the unforgivable sin, doesn't it?
Now Marti has to fill out a new form to get a new Fresh Values card.
In the meantime, I'm being bombarded with news about Fresh Values - on the loudspeaker in the store, on TV at home and plastered all over a UTA bus - one of those amazing wrapped buses, covered front-to-back and bottom-to-top with Fresh Values.
How could anyone deny that it is a Fresh Values bus?
I will never forget how much Smith's has changed my life. Now I am anxiously waiting for Fred Meyer to adopt the same program.
I just hope they don't decide to change the slogan to FRED VALUES, because then my whole family will need new cards.