The labor of love called parenting can be difficult -- even when your child is compliant and adoring. But when your simple requests or innocent remarks are met with sassy retorts, sullen silences, even eye rolling or shoulder shrugging, you can feel angry and discouraged or find yourself caught up in an argument neither of you will win.
Given the consequences, what compels kids as young as 3 to be insolent? Often, they do it to get attention, to test their skills at arguing or to try to dominate their parents, friends or teachers. Being able to use words to make other people angry, or even sad, can give youngsters a sense of power.But not all rude behavior should be considered an act of defiance. Kids, like adults, expend a lot of emotional energy being well-mannered to people in the outside world -- be it at school or at daycare. Parents should be aware that little ones are more likely to lose their composure at home, where they feel safer, than they are in other places.
Children are bound to be disappointed when their wants clash with parental rules and authority, and you should expect -- and allow -- a certain amount of whining and grumbling when you're telling a child to do something or enforcing limits: "Aww, do I have to?" etc.
You can view such comments as harmless background noise and either ignore them or, if you feel you must respond, simply paraphrase what your child is feeling, while restating your own request. "I hear that you wish you didn't have to do chores, and the garbage still needs to be taken out."
But serious insolence ("You are so stupid!") should not be overlooked. The following strategies can minimize the tendency toward back talk:
Do unto others. Many of us forget the obvious -- that kids are more likely to show respect when you treat them, and other people, in a respectful manner. And if you constantly put yourself down or disparage your partner, kids or friends, you teach your children that it's OK to wound others with hurtful words.
Use positive reinforcement. One of the most effective ways to shape a child's behavior is to give him positive reinforcement whenever he speaks or acts the way you'd like him to. Praise him for paying a compliment, listening respectfully or having a polite conversation with you.
Allow kids to vent. Children who don't feel free to express their views may talk back in order to feel less controlled. Don't confuse insolence with your child's healthy willingness to state her own opinion or to honestly express her wants and needs. Be tolerant of such statements as "You didn't keep your promise" or "I hate green beans."
Don't be too strict. When you insist on an overly broad definition of back talk -- one that prevents children from ever disagreeing with adults -- your end result may be an extremely well-behaved child but one who's probably stifling her emotions, wants and needs. Instead, encourage her to assert herself appropriately by conveying what she feels.
Limit cultural influences. Unfortunately, popular culture plays a powerful role in promoting back talk among children. Sitcoms make pint-size smart alecks into celebrities whose one-liners are met with enthusiastic laughter from the audience. So although it's tempting to use television as a baby sitter or to switch on the radio in the car, either limit your child's viewing and listening time or monitor what he sees and hears. If you can't watch an entire TV show with your child, at least poke your head in from time to time or watch the program together for 15 minutes. Explain that the put-downs and sarcasm can be hurtful, and stress that you don't want to hear such language at home.
Marianne Neifert, M.D., a contributing editor, is a pediatrician and the author of "Dr. Mom's Parenting Guide." This article first appeared in Parenting magazine. Parenting magazine Dist. by United Feature Syndicate Inc.