Athletics defined the courtship and early married years for Gregg and Sherrie Piburn. They even hiked across the Continental Divide on their honeymoon. But when she was struck with fibromyalgia, a painful and chronic illness, they had to find another way to survive together.
Their relationship now is stronger than ever before, Piburn said. But it is a different kind of intimacy, forged in pain and strengthened by the ability they have developed to speak honestly of grief, disappointment and anger over what they have lost.Piburn, who wrote "Beyond Chaos: One Man's Journey Alongside His Chronically Ill Wife," will conduct a free seminar on coping with chronic illness. The Sept. 9 event will be held at the LDS Hospital Auditorium from 7 to 9 p.m. Sponsored by the Arthritis Foundation, participating groups include the American Cancer Society, the American Lung Association, the Easter Seals Society of Utah, the Multiple Sclerosis Society and the Utah AIDS Foundation.
His message has been controversial, he said. "I believe society expects the 'caregivers' -- a label I don't like -- to be good, stoical, martyr support people. We want John Wayne with a happy face mask. It's a role I played pretty darn well for four or five years of Sherrie's illness.
"I think what happens is when a caregiver continues to play that martyr role, the Intruder (as he calls chronic illness) starts to form a wedge between the couple. In fact, one book on chronic illness contends 75 percent of marriages where one is chronically ill ends in divorce. I believe one reason is the stoical caregiver mentality."
Instead, he said, people must face the illness and what it means, then figure out how to work out the problems it creates.
"I hope to give voice to the others who are impacted by illness. I am hoping to give people ideas on how to turn chronic illness from wedge to catalyst for personal growth."
Piburn's belief in honest communication came about in an odd way. In the 1980s, a friend was going through a painful divorce. He asked Piburn to read "The Grief Recovery Handbook" with him. The book was designed for two people to read it privately, then discuss chapter by chapter. And as he read it, he discovered that he needed to grieve the "loss of the healthy Sherrie."
"Once I understood that I had lost something significant, it became a natural progression to begin to open up more and to go through the stages of grief, which includes a lot of heart-felt conversation."
Today, Piburn and his wife talk openly with their two daughters and their son -- as well as each other -- about what they feel. He found that by grieving the loss of his healthy wife, who was only 32 when she became ill, he could "become attuned to the beautiful woman she had become through her illness.
"It took us to a much higher level than we had ever imagined. Even though we were backpacking and teaching aerobics classes together, (our relationship) was on a fairly superficial level. It was only when we had to face head-on a major challenge that would break us or make us that we achieved a closer connection and a deeper relationship," he said.
To register for the seminar or for more information, call 1-800-444-4993 or 801-536-0990.