UPTOWN GIRLS — * 1/2 — Brittany Murphy, Dakota Fanning, Jesse Spencer, Marley Shelton, Donald Faison, Heather Locklear; rated PG-13 (vulgarity, mild profanity, slapstick violence, brief drugs); see "Playing at local movie theaters" for complete listing of local theaters.
As long as there are completely excruciating films like "Gigli" out there, slightly less excruciating films like "Uptown Girls" will probably be spared some of the harsher cruelties of criticism.
That doesn't mean that "Uptown Girls" doesn't deserve to be slammed. This alleged comedy is so tedious that it feels twice its rather slight length; it's just worth noting that there are worse films out there.
"Uptown Girls" is also reprehensibly phony, as it tries to get by on cutesiness. (You might need an insulin shot by the time this one's over.)
Brittany Murphy stars as Molly Gunn, the spoiled rich daughter of a deceased rock musician. Molly's used to getting everything she wants, and now she's set her sights on Neil Fox (Jesse Spencer), a promising singer-songwriter.
After he rejects her — following a quick fling — her inheritance has run out, leaving her nearly penniless. Thankfully, her best friend, Ingrid (Marley Shelton), offers to take her in. And another friend, Huey (Donald Faison), finds her a job. However, it's one she'd rather not have. Molly is supposed to be nanny to Ray Schleine (Dakota Fanning), the hypochondriacal, smart-mouthed daughter of a music-label executive (Heather Locklear).
The two females mix like oil and water, since the free-spirited Molly refuses to take orders from her pint-size boss and the uptight Ray rejects all of her new nanny's socializing suggestions.
As predictable as this material is, it doesn't help that neither female character is particularly endearing or sympathetic. Murphy has milked this wackiness thing for all it's worth, while Fanning has done the same for the precocious, too-smart-for-her-age gimmick.
So it's no surprise that Boaz Yakin's direction is so uninspired. There's no punch, no crispness to any of it. And many scenes linger longer than they should.
Also, he and the material waste a good supporting cast. Both Shelton and Faison (TV's "Scrubs") have impressed in other films, but they're left here to fend for themselves. And at times they look bored.
"Uptown Girls" is rated PG-13 for some crude sexual humor, references and lewd dancing, occasional use of mild profanity (religiously based), slapstick violence and brief drug content (overuse of prescription medications). Running time: 89 minutes.
E-MAIL: jeff@desnews.com