"Playmakers," ESPN'S new series about a fictional pro football team, is just three episodes old, and already they've covered just about every stereotype and cliche possible. Roll call, please.
A ruthless owner? Here!
A wild linebacker with a shaved head? Yo.
A coach using the word "focus?" Bingo.
A player throwing a fit in the locker room? Yep.
A quarterback popping pills for chronic pain so he can play the game? Hike.
Steroid users? Check.
A player paralyzed by a brutal tackle?
Of course.
Angry black players hangin' with the homies after hours and talkin' like gangstas? Check.
A player mixed up in a major crime (murder)? Yes again.
Players having sex with bimbos and groupies? Mais, oui.
A player with a pushy, dominating father-coach? Here!
Players hanging at clubs and chasing (and catching) women? Of course.
A wife beater? Drug and alcohol abusers? Check, check.
Good luck finding someone to cheer for. All that's missing is the loud, cocky running back (oh, wait, here he is, on the bench).
That's a 15-yard penalty on ESPN for a false start and too many bad guys in motion.
One of the troubles with "Playmakers" — and there are many — is that while the stories portray incidents that have involved real professional players over the years, the show blows them all out of proportion by cramming every one of them into a single episode.
If the people who produce Playmakers did a show about, say, teenagers, in the first 15 minutes one would be pregnant, two would be free basing, three would be alcoholics, one would be a hooker, one would be the blonde ditz (oh, they've already done this show). Are we surprised that writer/producer John Eisendrath produced "Hollywood 90210?" ESPN's fictional Cougars — not to be confused with the team of the same name at BYU — are the team from hell — or the Carolina Panthers. It's like having Ray Lewis, Warren Moon, Icky Woods and Todd Marinovich on one squad, and then some.
"We're not trying to do the seamy underside," said Eisendrath.
You mean this is the good side? Well, a Disney special it's not.
Most of the show seems to be spent inside bars and clubs — when do these guys have time to practice? — and the scenes are filmed with grainy, artsy camera work (you get the feeling these guys are trying a little too hard to achieve style and high art). Hardly anything good happens; it's a wonder anyone in the show wants to play pro football.
This isn't really about the life of pro football players, as one would certainly be led to believe in the same way viewers assume L.A. Law represents the life of trial lawyers. Except for a few football scenes, it could just as easily be an episode of NYPD Blue with its parade of low lifes trudging across the screen. All they did was dress up a soap opera with shoulder pads. Football merely provides a hip backdrop for dishing out another exploration of the not-so good, the bad and the ugly, as if we need one more of those.
NFL players hate it, not surprisingly. Warren Sapp would like to sack the show. There's hardly a good guy in the whole show.
ESPN's people defend themselves against critics by saying it's drama, not reality or a portrayal of life in the NFL, but they're talking out of both sides of their faces. ESPN itself announced the series this way: "PLAYMAKERS is a gritty ensemble drama chronicling the behind-the-scenes and off-the-field lives of the players, families, coaches and owner of a fictional professional football team." One ESPN executive said, "We're doing what we have to do and spending what we have to spend to make sure it's authentic and you can buy it." If you dress up a show like a pro football team, if it tries to act like a pro football team, if it airs on a cable sports station that broadcasts pro football games, then it's a show about the life of a pro football player. But not an accurate one.
Too bad, because as everyone knows, real life is better than fiction.
E-MAIL: drob@desnews.com