With college football starting this week, I thought I'd use today's column space to bore you into submission. Wait. Don't leave. I was only kidding.
I promise not to say a word about anyone's speed or how much someone can bench press.
But I will offer some local football items, guaranteed to amuse and amaze your friends. For instance, did you know Ute brothers Jesse and Jason Boone, as well as teammate Blake Burdette, come from families of 10 children? Last year's team included Brady Bahr, who is one of 15 children.
Put them all together and you have an offense, defense and coaching staff. Invite the relatives and you have a sellout.
Did you also know placekicker Bryan Borreson and linebacker Tommy Hackenbruck are the sons of former college cheerleaders? Which means, I guess, that if someone in the huddle shouts "Gimme a U!" or "Sis-boom-bah!" the coaches will know who to smack upside the helmet.
Did you also know running back Marty Johnson's real name is Myron Johnson Jr.? OK, so not everyone gets to be named Bronko Nagurski.
Did you know backup quarterback Brigham Au is actually named Brigham Kanakanuiokekai? He must have figured the only way he'd ever see his name in a headline is to keep it short.
Did you know wide receiver Travis LaTendresse is a second-degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do and backup quarterback Chris Sokugawa is a prep judo champ? That could be a plus when dealing with that surly Wyoming crowd.
Did you know quarterback Alex Smith is the nephew of Michigan State coach John L. Smith? OK, you probably did. Which means you also know where he's going if he ever transfers. But were you aware receiver Paris Warren's full name is Paris Jazz Warren? That's way cool. And it couldn't hurt if he ever decides the NBA is an option.
BYU is no less distinguished in the areas of unique and obscure. The team's media guide, for example, says offensive lineman Lance Reynolds — son of the assistant head coach — has "successfully gained over 60 pounds since returning from his Church mission."
Good for him, but don't most guys gain 60 pounds while they're on their missions?
As long as we're on the subject of weight, there's 330-pound lineman Brian Sanders, a.k.a. "Lunchroom."
I guess it could be worse. They could have called him "Mess Hall."
Did you know cornerback Brandon Heaney is related to Carol Browner, a former chief of the Environmental Protection Agency? That should come in handy cleaning up the football program.
Did you know lineman David Sollami played on the same Little League field as Mark McGwire? I'm not saying there are still "andro" fumes lurking, but he does weigh 280.
And did you know quarterback Matt Berry lists "spending leisure time throwing the football" among his hobbies? Let me see if I have this straight. When he's at work, he throws the football. And when he's relaxing, he throws the football.
I guess we can assume he also throws a football when he's attending class, taking a nap, eating lunch or filling out tax forms.
Did you know linebacker Bryant Atkinson is the grandson of former BYU coach Chick Atkinson? Poor Chick won only 18 games in seven years. Even the current Cougars are on a better pace than that.
Did you know Utah State linebacker Josh Anderson lists "working with bees" as one of his hobbies? What, he couldn't find any tarantulas?
Did you know Aggie cornerback Jerome Dennis was publisher of his high school paper? In that case, he'll understand if the Aggies end up on page D-12 some Sunday.
Did you know USU tight end Nick George wants to start a landscaping business? Here's an idea: Why not begin with Weber State's football field?
Did you know backup Aggie quarterback David Stock "would like to run a business and have an awesome family?" Yeah, well, me too.
Did you know wideout Jason Thomas wants to become a youth minister? He already knows prayers are answered. How else do you explain USU getting in the WAC?
Did you know safety Jason Walker wants to become a football coach after graduation? Coincidentally, there might just be an opening soon at USU.
Did you know safety Terrance Washington went to the same high school as former Aggie great Emmett White? I'm not sure how much that means. I know a guy who went to high school with Robin Williams, but that didn't make him funny.
E-mail: rock@desnews.com