OREM — Former Miss America Marilyn Van Derbur told an audience at UVSC about her lifelong journey to heal from the sexual abuse she suffered as a child, offering hope to those who have survived the same trial.
From age 5 to 18, Van Derbur said, she was abused on a near-nightly basis by her father. She said she tried to disassociate herself from the abuse by joining the ski team in college at the University of Colorado and graduating Phi Beta Kappa — part of a 35-year effort to forget the abuse.
"I was 53 years old before I was able to say the ugliest six-letter word in the English language — incest," she said.
Van Derbur, who spoke Tuesday, first talked about the abuse at the age of 24, when she told a youth minister and a friend, Larry Atler, whom she would eventually marry.
"Those two men saved my life," she said. "But like red dye poured into a can of white paint, incest has colored everything in my life."
She recounted the years of emotional suffering, manifested in part by her inability to fall asleep naturally and a fear of going to bed without locking her door.
By the time she was 39, Van Derbur was suffering from panic attacks that left her literally paralyzed at times. Doctors could find nothing wrong with her physically.
"My physical paralysis had everything to do with age, but not my age," she said. "My daughter was turning 5, the age at which the violations began for me."
At the age of 40, Van Derbur said she could no longer stifle her feelings and confronted her father for the first time in the family home where the abuse had taken place.
When she first broached the subject, her father excused himself and went upstairs. Van Derbur said she knew he was getting a gun.
"I knew he had a gun, and that he would kill himself or kill me or maybe both of us," she said. "If that sounds strange, you've never lived in an incestuous home. Terror reigns. Not fear — terror."
Her father did not get violent but instead said he would have never abused her had he known how it would affect her. Van Derbur said she believed him, until she found out after he died that he had abused others, including her older sister.
Van Derbur said the most difficult part of the ordeal was her mother's refusal to believe the abuse had taken place. Like dust beat out of a rug, Van Derbur said, her mother beat the love out of her through constant denials.
What helped her most, she said, was the reaction of her daughter, Jennifer. When Van Derbur told her what had happened, Jennifer, just 13 at the time, suggested her mother use her career as a motivational speaker to address the issue. People would not shun her if she found out, Jennifer said, but would respect her more.
"My worst fear was over," Van Derbur said. "My daughter still respected me."
Still, it wasn't until a local newspaper broke the story of her abuse six years later that Van Derbur went public. In 1991, she began speaking about sexual abuse, and since then, she has started two anti-abuse foundations and written a book, "Miss America By Day."
In her closing remarks, Van Derbur counseled all present to speak about abuse with their children so they know what is not appropriate. She also asked audience members to listen to and believe children who tell them about sexual abuse, pointing out that many people refused to believe her when she came forward as an adult.
Lisa Warner, who attended Van Derbur's speech, is an abuse survivor who has been corresponding with Van Derbur for more than a year. She said Van Derbur always answers her e-mails within a day and credits the former Miss America as her main source of support in confronting what happened to her.
"Marilyn has changed my life," Warner said. "She gives me hope, she helps me know that I don't have to keep it all a secret. I have a lot of people that don't believe me, that just write me off. Her support helps me be able to get through every day."
Having someone like Van Derbur leading the way for victims like her has been a source of strength, Warner said.
"It helps me be brave and have hope that I can make a difference," she said. "I would love to be able to someday pass on what she has given me. If I can do that, then everything else will be OK."
E-mail: jtwitchell@desnews.com