Question: I am a Hispanic female who has been dating a blond, blue-eyed gringo for nine months. Our relationship was great until my live-in boyfriend decided to buy us a bigger house so that our four kids could have some elbow room.
I knew that something was up when I found out that he lived across the street from his mother. My boyfriend and I are only children, so I can see how both of us are pretty close to our parents. His mother divorced his dad when he was still a toddler, so it's really always been just his mom and him. I have grown to love his mother, but lately I feel like the other woman when she comes over.
My boyfriend and I have been arguing more and more because of her unwelcome visits. I finally was fed up with Mother when I came home from work tired one day and found her inside my house. It was apparent that my boyfriend had made her a key to our house without consulting me.
Did I overreact by confronting him about her being there without letting me know? Am I overreacting by having him choose between his mother and our relationship?
Danny: You jumped into this with "dos pies," one heart and no "cabeza." When you agreed — after all of nine months — to make a home with your boyfriend, you inadvertently agreed to a lot of his wishes.
You two are practically strangers playing "mi casa es su casa"; hence the new house with the built-in mother-in- law. You've already taken one option — demanding boundaries and presenting an ultimatum. An overreaction? Perhaps. But it's one that's necessary if you ever hope to achieve true communication in your relationship.
Another option is to take a few steps back and allow the relationship to flourish and grow on its own over time. Take this as a reality check on what each of you really knows about the other's total existence (physical, spiritual and mental). This might involve moving back out and taking it slower.
One true test of a relationship is what happens when the love butterflies that cloud rational thinking and decisions flutter away. Has "being in love" blossomed into genuine love? You are quickly coming to this answer on your own.
Lily: You didn't overreact by confronting him, but you are making a mistake by making him choose you or his mom.
Human beings form several relationships in their lives, and all of them have different dynamics. Instead of establishing rules as to what relationships he can have, set boundaries so that each one of you will continue to have a place in his life.
Instead of having her show up unannounced, set up a night each week when you go over to her house (or invite her to yours) to have dinner.
Use this experience to practice showing respect for one another. Everyone involved will see this healthy behavior and just might model it, making this a win-win situation for everyone.
Catherine: Having a mother close by could be an amazing blessing for a working woman. And while unannounced visits can be stressful, you sound positively threatened.
Questions for you to consider: Is your "marinovio's" mother coming over to help? Or is she just being nosy? Did he move close to her because he wants her help? Or because he's a "mijo"?
Regardless of her motives or yours, you knew she lived across the street before you moved in and had plenty of opportunities to discuss this situation beforehand.
You say that you've "grown to love his mother." Prove it by acting like the woman of the house and having an honest discussion with her and your boyfriend about boundaries.
GLOSSARY
dos pies: two feet
cabeza: head
mi casa es su casa: my home is your home
marinovio: slang for live-in boyfriend
mijo: short for "mi hijo," my son. In this instance, it means mama's boy.
We want your questions! Consejos is a bilingual advice column focused on relationships, culture and identity. E- mail your questions or comments to consejos@dallasnews.com. Or send your letters to Consejos, c/o Texas Living, The Dallas Morning News, 508 Young St., Dallas, TX 75202. Visit Lily, Catherine and Danny online at DallasNews.com/consejos.) © The Dallas Morning News, Distributed by Universal Press Syndicate