D.E.B.S. — ** — Jordana Brewster, Sara Foster, Devon Aoki; rated PG-13 (violence, vulgarity, brief sex).
If you thought the Madonna-Britney smooch on the 2003 MTV Video Music Awards was a big nothing, "D.E.B.S.," a heat-free pseudo-lesbian spoof of "Charlie's Angels" by way of "Heathers," offers an hour and a half of the same kind of empty tease drawn out with thin, silly spy-movie send-ups.
This adventure-comedy, written and directed by Angela Robinson, follows the antics of a team of plaid-skirted, gun-toting secret agents recruited by the government through a test concealed in the SATs that measures their ability to lie, cheat and kill. Summoned to action "Mission Impossible"-style by Phipps (Michael Clarke Duncan), the booming-voiced president of their training academy, the four-member A-team offers a shrewd cross-section of upscale high-school types.
Amy (Sara Foster) is the blonde perfect student; Max (Meagan Good), the feisty/sexy go-getter; Janet (Jill Ritchie), the ditzy scaredy cat; and Dominique (Devon Aoki), the bohemian, a cigarette and sex addicted French-Asian who speaks in a garbled argot that one character calls "Franglish."
Their nemesis, Lucy Diamond (Jordana Brewster), has a stunning roster of jewel thefts, bank robberies and other high crimes in her infamous dossier, including an attempt to sink Australia. She travels everywhere with her right-hand man and dithering confidant, Scud (Jimmi Simpson).
But Lucy is not as invulnerable as her reputation suggests. Traumatized by the end of a lesbian love affair, she is on the prowl for a replacement. And when the D.E.B.S. first see her, she is on a blind date with Ninotchka (Jessica Cauffiel), a Russian siren. Amy, coincidentally, has just broken up with her bland, doting boyfriend, Bobby (Geoff Stults). When she and Lucy meet, romantic sparks fly on both sides, and it is not long before they are in love.
Because of its mild sexual ripple, "D.E.B.S." — the title is an acronym for discipline, energy, beauty, strength — is the kind of movie that might tempt an overzealous film student to read all kinds of deeper meanings into it. Don't bother. The film has no idea how to develop its one-joke premise. The tepid love scenes are as erotically charged as a home movie of a little girl hugging her Barbie doll, and the satire as cutting as the blunt edge of a plastic butter knife.
"D.E.B.S." is rated PG-13 for comic violence and some sexually suggestive material (including same-sex kisses). Running time: 91 minutes.