IF I DIDN'T KNOW better, I'd swear Rob Zombie's "re-imagining" of John Carpenter's classic "Halloween" is supposed to be a practical joke. A bad practical joke.
Either that or Carpenter paid Zombie to make this movie so that the original "Halloween" would look even better.
The new film falls short of its predecessors in so many respects that it becomes clear Zombie ("House of 1,000 Corpses," "The Devil's Rejects") doesn't understand what made the original so scary.
Zombie seems to think that the addition of sex, nudity and buckets of blood — things that were more subtle in the 1978 version — somehow make his movie more terrifying. But his most wrong-headed move is the addition of the back story for masked serial killer Michael Myers, played by wrestler-turned-actor Tyler Mane ("X-Men").
A full hour of Zombie's film is devoted to showing the tragic upbringing of young Michael (Daeg Faerch). Somehow the combination of neglect by his stripper mother (Sheri Moon Zombie), abuse by his alcoholic stepfather (William Forsythe), a promiscuous older sister (Hanna Hall) and school bullies pushed him over the edge.
But it's skewed in favor of Michael.
Zombie spends so much time characterizing Michael Myers that you'd swear he wants us to sympathize with him, or even root for him, despite the fact that he's a mindless slasher.
Also, teen heroine Laurie Strode, as played by Scout Taylor-Compton, is annoying and not very likable, quite the opposite of Jamie Lee Curtis' original.
If that's not bad enough, the final 40 or so minutes are a bad re-creation of the first film, right down to Carpenter's original synthesizer musical score.
As expected, the Zombie version was savaged by critics. But reviews didn't stop the film from taking in $30 million-plus in its first four days of business, setting a Labor Day record.
BUT IF YOU WANT TO SEE THIS STORY DONE RIGHT. ... Anchor Bay Entertainment and Starz Home Entertainment have jointly released another new edition of Carpenter's original "Halloween" on DVD ($14.98).
There isn't anything here that hasn't been on the many previous special editions released over the years.
This one has the same Lucasfilm THX restoration and crystal-clear, 35mm film transfer, as well as the "Halloween Unmasked 2000" documentary. (Original theatrical trailers, and television and radio spots are sort of fun.)
Of course, if you don't already have the film, you should definitely seek it out. It's surprising how well Carpenter's suspenseful classic still holds up.
Something we won't be saying 29 years from now about Zombie's film.
E-mail: jeff@desnews.com