A
stake president approaches the pulpit and looks out over the
congregation. There has been much debate recently among members of
the stake over the Word of Wisdom. The question: Can
good Latter-day Saints drink caffeinated beverages?
This
stake president pulls from his bag a set of scriptures, the notes for his talk
and — wait for it — a can of Coca-Cola. Then, standing before his
flock as an inspired priesthood leader, he chugs the entire can, slams it down
on the pulpit, and exclaims, "There's nothing like a good Coke to get me ready
to preach the gospel!"
You
may have heard about this stake president. Maybe one of your
mission companions told you about him. Or perhaps a defensive
member derailed a Sunday School class to relate his story.
The
problem is Im pretty sure this legendary advocate for caffeine-drinking Mormons
doesn't actually exist.
My
purpose in debunking the myth of the cola-swigging stake president is not to
call all Coke drinkers to repentance. I simply think
that when we've spent so much time arguing over a doctrinal quirk that we have
begun inventing fictional church leaders to validate our points, the debate has
probably gone too far.
That's
why when I opened this month's issue of the Ensign to find an article titled "The Energy Drink Epidemic,"
I braced myself. I could already imagine how the next Sunday School lesson on the Word of Wisdom would play out:
Teacher:
We have also been counseled to avoid energy drinks in the latest issue of
the Ensign…
Member No. 1: (raises his hand) ACTUALLY, the article doesn't say caffeine
is against the Word of Wisdom.
Teacher:
Yes, but if we want to be RIGHTEOUS then we will treat our bodies as
temples. How would it make you feel if someone started pouring
energy drinks all over the temple?
Member No. 2: I can't remember which one it was, but one of the apostles
once said, "Anybody who drinks Coke is going to hell," or something like
that.
Member No. 3: Yeah, but I heard that Mitt Romney drinks Vanilla Coke; is that the
same?
Member No. 4: Um, I just want to say that I saw Passion of the Christ, and
even though it was rated R, I still felt good about it.
Member No. 5: The rule is pretty obvious: All gentiles must stay a hundred
feet away from the temple.
Teacher:
Wait, what are we talking about again?
And
so far, it's been pretty much exactly like that.
Maybe
the debate is more vigorous among college students because so many of us have
staked our academic lives on the availability of Red Bull. But as
with most vigorous debates in the church, the answer lies somewhere in between
the two extremes.
First
of all, let's clear up one thing. According to the church's Web site, "Not
every statement made by a Church leader, past or present, necessarily
constitutes doctrine."
I
dare say that most of the "quotes" about caffeinated beverages related in church
meetings are inaccurate or taken out of context. And even those
statements that are correctly referenced don't automatically establish a
capital-"d" Doctrine.
General authorities are entitled to personal opinions. When President
Monson told a McDonald's employee to "hold the onions," he was not mandating
that all worthy members raid the world's supermarkets so that they will have an
onion to carry into their next bishop's interview.
That
said, I think it would do us well to remember what "the spirit of the law"
actually is. On my mission, this term was normally used to justify
listening to Coldplay and sleeping in an extra 15 minutes. But in
reality, the spirit of the law should be higher than the actual law.
Energy
drinks aren't mentioned specifically in D&C 89, but that doesn't mean
they're not bad for us — physically and spiritually.In fact, a 16
oz. can of Rock Star contains 160 mg. of caffeine. Compare that to 16 oz. of instant coffee, which only contains 114
mg. The health risks of excessive caffeine intake are well covered
in the Ensign article, so I won't spend any more time on it.
In
fact, I don't think any of us should spend any more time on this subject. When you think about the vast spectrum of doctrine and gospel living
available in our church — from the Atonement to loving thy neighbor — caffeine
really is pretty low on the priority list. Let's focus on what's
important and leave the Pharisees to squabble over the small stuff.
Now,
R-rated movies — THAT'S a topic worth getting into.