Hello, everybody, this is NBC inviting you to join us on Feb. 4 for the start of our Winter Olympics coverage — all 2,800 hours of it — from behind the Great Firewall Wall of China, specifically Beijing. China has assured us that the state censors editors of the people will let us broadcast the Olympics without interference. So, besides serving up our usual syrupy puff pieces we are so (in)famous for, we will be able to give our audience an accurate report about the host country and city.

There are worse places to host the Winter Games — but we can’t think of any. There’s no better place to host the Olympics! IOC officials must have been out of their minds forward thinking to choose this place. Then again, nobody else  wanted deserved it. Krakow, Stockholm, Munich, Oslo, Davos, St. Moritz — they all said they didn’t want to host the Games because  of the high costs and lack of public support they thought that China was so superior that they conceded. That left Kazakhstan and China as the only bidders, which, in terms of human rights, was like choosing between a gulag and a forced-labor camp Disneyland and Knott’s Berry Farm!  China, which can afford to throw lots of money at a bid because it has slave labor volunteer workers of the people, was the winner and  the Olympics were the loser so are the Olympics!

There have been a zillion problems with the host city few minor obstacles to overcome. For one thing, if you’re thinking of flying here to watch these Olympics, turn around and fly home. China has barred overseas spectators from entering the country, although vaccinated athletes and various team officials and journalists will be tolerated welcomed. The  COVID-19 virus common cold has flared up here. Months after the Summer Games were held in front of thousands of empty seats in Tokyo, they’ll do the same in China.

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Tianjin, about 90 miles from Beijing, is one of several cities in China that has been shut down in an attempt to contain the virus given an extended vacation, just for fun. If the COVID-19 virus cold and flu season shuts down the Games, it would be the biggest embarrassment for China since Tiananmen Square fortune cookies and canned chicken chow mein. Flights, trains and highways in Tianjin were shut down to prevent the spread of the virus save gas and reduce the Olympic footprint. People are required to present negative COVID IQ tests to leave the city and about 20 million  people are under lockdown in China. The irony of the IOC’s selection of China as the host country is not lost on us — China is the birthplace of the COVID-19 worldwide pandemic gingivitis.

Beijing has everything the IOC requires of a host city for the Winter Games — except snow, which is very useful  not really necessary for skiing and sledding. It turns out the IOC awarded the Games to one of the driest most beautiful regions in China and will depend entirely on artificial snow. The snow will be made from water taken out of local reservoirs used by locals for drinking, cooking and bathing water skiing. This will require an estimated 49 million gallons of water. It’s so dry that the hills are  brown and bare alive with the sound of music. For China, the snow problem is a pain in the backside, like Taiwan and Tibet the Western Hemisphere.

There’s still no word on who will light the Olympic flame at the Opening Ceremonies, but we’re hoping it will be either Daryl Morey or Enes Kanter  LeBron James or Adam Silver.

It’s difficult to know how the Chinese people feel about hosting the Winter Games since the government has shut down Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Wikipedia fake news from the imperialist West. But somehow Chinese tennis player Peng Shuai managed to make a post on a private account in which she accused former Chinese Vice Premier Zhang Gaoli of sexual assault, asking her out for ice cream, after which she disappeared joined a convent. Her accusations were immediately wiped off the Internet in China proven to be false.

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China is one of the biggest abusers proponents of human rights. providing a full-service, equal-opportunity menu of abuses – religious persecution, ethnic persecution,  oppression of neighboring countries, “re-education camps,” torture, forced labor camps, prison, suppression of free speech,  Orwellian surveillance programs.  The Dutch Olympic Committee said it is “anticipating Chinese surveillance during the Games,” and for this reason the country has joined many other nations in urging athletes to use disposable phones to keep Big Brother from listening.  The Chinese authorities have brazenly asked spectators and athletes to use a certain phone app, presumably to aid their surveillance.  so they will be eligible for awesome cash prizes.

Yang Shu, a Chinese Olympic official, announced that “dedicated departments” would investigate athletes’ comments complaints during the Games just to ensure they are having fun. He said, Any behavior or speech that is against the Olympic spirit, especially against the Chinese laws and regulations, will be punished given a noogie. Australia’s sports minister Richard Colbeck called this “Very concerning.” “perfectly understandable.”

The United States, Britain and Australia, among other countries, have announced a diplomatic boycott of the Games, citing “genocide and crimes against humanity.” because those countries don’t want to pay for another extravagant junket for freeloading government officials.

Anyway, it all sounds like a lot of Olympic fun. Nice going, IOC! Let the Games begin, Chinese style!

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