Blake Anderson struggled to get the words out, tears quickly forming in his eyes along with a noticeable lump in his throat.
It was easy to understand why.
The Utah State football coach has spoken frequently over the last year and a half about the loss of his son (Robert) Cason Anderson to suicide, but neither time nor frequency of discussion have rendered the topic any less difficult for Anderson to speak on.
Speak on it he has, though, and he addressed his son’s death and its impact yet again Monday during his weekly press conference, in the wake of a special segment on ESPN’s “College GameDay” that highlighted the story on Saturday morning.
“Dealing with the loss of Cason has by far been the most difficult thing that I’ve ever had to carry as an adult, as a man,” Anderson said. “I would love to tell you that it’s getting easier, but it just doesn’t. It is what it is. It’s the world that I have to live in. It’s the path I have to walk. Anybody that has lost a child, especially to suicide, with all the questions that you have that come with it, it just never stops.”
The response to the “CollegeGame Day” segment has been overwhelming for Anderson, in a positive way.
“The response has been overwhelming to be truthful,” he said. “Support from those who can tell that I’m still hurting, that love and care about me, my family and my kids who have to deal with this as well. It has been a struggle for my kids. They have to carry the same weight. And they, in their own ways, are finding ways to handle that. We are trying to lean on each other and Christ.”
Many have reached out to Anderson in thanks, as well, or with questions about what to do and how to do it, when it comes to dealing with mental health struggles and suicidal thoughts, whether by themselves or loved ones.
“There’ve been a ton of people who have reached out saying they needed it, that it was helpful,” Anderson said. “That they are dealing with this and didn’t know what to do. All of the above.”
Anderson believes that he has found “some purpose” in the pain, by using his platform as a college football coach at the FBS level to help others dealing with mental health struggles and/or suicidal thoughts.
“I feel like I had to find some purpose in the pain that I was feeling,” he said. “And if that gives me an opportunity to let God use the platform that he’s blessed me with to help somebody else, anybody else, then (I) just feel like it’s what I need to do.
“I feel like it lets God step out in front. And really I just say very clearly God, the people he puts around it, and then the resources that are provided that he’s created for us to seek help. And so that has been the purpose.”
ESPN’s handling of Anderson’s story was “great,” Anderson added, expressing his appreciation for the portrayal.
“I thought Jen (Lada) and the crew at ESPN did a great job,” he said. “They were very respectful. They were very compassionate in the process. And I thought they portrayed our feelings and our emotions and what we live with every day, very, very well.”
Most importantly, he said, the message presented by ESPN was a clear one. That Anderson, his family, Utah State athletics — through the Robert Cason Anderson Mental Health and Wellness Fund, and many others, are here to help.
“We’re very clear,” Anderson said. “Our message is to help as many people as we can.”