I’m sad the World Cup is over. Not because I’m a soccer enthusiast or even fan, really, though I did watch more soccer this summer than I had in my entire life combined, but because I’ve enjoyed all the extracurricular content birthed from foreigners the world over visiting America for the first time.
It’s been a fun reminder of what makes us as a country different and weird and special. Our portions are huge. Our air conditioning is cold. Our gas stations are the size of major metropolises. The chips and salsa are unlimited and the people are, for the most part, shockingly friendly. I’ve very much appreciated the tourists who have highlighted these quirks/attributes.
I’ve also enjoyed witnessing the customs and behaviors brought from other countries and embraced by host cities. I watched a video of a Scotsman in Boston playing a bagpipe with one hand and holding a lobster in the air with the other as a large crowd cheered on. I watched another video of Norwegian fans gathered in Times Square doing the Viking row. And another of a Japanese fan doing his very best in limited English to convey his excitement for his team, only to have his excitement matched and exceeded by a local Dallas reporter.
Sadly, I’ve had to witness all this from behind a screen, as Salt Lake City was not host to any of the games. And now, with the final game played and Spain declared the World Cup champions, all the visitors are making their way back to their home countries or will make their way home soon. And I’m feeling kind of left out.
But what if those visitors hung around for an extra day or two and finished their tour of the United States here in Utah? Maybe this Friday? For Pioneer Day?
If you are a foreigner who traveled to our great nation for World Cup attendance and have yet to board a flight home, I would like to formally invite you to Salt Lake City and its surrounding areas for our Pioneer Day celebrations. I can promise you there’s nothing else in the world quite like it.
Picture this: It’s July 24 and approximately 1 million degrees outside. Perfect time for a parade! A parade that only people who happen to have work off, i.e. people who work for local companies, can attend. Everyone who works for out-of-state companies does not get the day off and must remain in their office buildings or work-from-home desks while the rest of the state parties. Which yeah, is a bummer for the latter group, but great news for the former, who only have to fight off half as many people for a good parade-watching spot. It still usually requires camping overnight to hold the spot, but a win is a win.
The parade commemorates the Mormon pioneers’ ascent into the Salt Lake Valley with marching bands, clowns and a float featuring Santa Claus. It doesn’t make a ton of sense, but neither does any other parade, when you really think about it.
Once the parade ends it’s usually 1 million-and-1 degrees. Perfect time for more outdoor activities that include, but are not limited to: dressing in pioneer garb and marching around neighborhoods; attending a sporting event while sitting in bleachers positioned directly under the sun’s blazing rays; and attending a rodeo with similar weather conditions, plus a lot of dirt and an odor of manure.
What happens after the those activities, you ask? Historically, fireworks. But this year, before we even hit July, half the state was on fire, so we may be forgoing a sky show. Which leaves only one option to top off the day. It’s perhaps the most American activity of all — eating as many hot dogs as possible in the night air that has, by this time, dropped to 999,999 degrees.
It may not be quite as thrilling as attending a World Cup game, but experiencing Pioneer Day in Utah is a cultural experience unlike any other, and one I have no doubt would be embraced by the lobster-holding bagpiper, the rowing Vikings, and the enthusiastic Japanese fan. And I’d love if we incorporated some of their traditions into this weird holiday. I think the Viking row would be a big hit at a demolition derby, and who doesn’t want to hear some bagpipe at their barbecue?
So join us, won’t you?