Increasingly, single women are rejecting the idea that any marriage is better than no marriage. They are not turning away from love, commitment or family; they are turning away from marriages in which they are expected to obey, carry a disproportionate share of the work or have their voices routinely disregarded.
The question is not simply why fewer young women are choosing marriage. The more important question is what kind of marriage do we hold up as worthwhile … and why is the onus on young women, as this Deseret News opinion piece from Maria Baer and Brad Wilcox suggests?
Recent research suggests that many young women have good reason to be cautious. Across attitudes toward authority, the division of domestic labor and whose voice carries weight in a relationship, the evidence reveals persistent inequalities that can prevent marriage from being a place of mutual thriving.
For example, a recent study conducted by King’s College London of 23,000 participants from 29 countries found that almost one-third of Gen Z men thought that wives should always obey their husbands and that men should be the final decision-makers in a relationship.
Another prominent study from University of Michigan found that when men marry they gain an hour of discretionary time — and women lose seven. A more recent study by Pew Research found that even when women earn as much as their spouse, wives still contribute double the number of hours required to maintain a house and family.
Finally, a UCLA study found that wives incorporate relevant information from their spouse … while men do not.
Taken together, these studies and others indicate that flourishing marriages are in danger due to lack of partnership.
While both men and women are responsible for creating healthy marriages, the recent piece published in the Deseret News focused only on what women can do. Here, let’s talk about what men can do.
1. Men can show up as partners.
Partnership marriages mean marriages where both partners’ needs and wishes are considered so all thrive. Decisions are made as equals rather than hierarchically. Resources such as time and money are split. If you are LDS, this resource teaches you the doctrinal base and gives practices of how to cultivate a more divine marriage. (Spoiler: I’m one of the authors.)
2. Men can contribute more to family life.
Married men can evaluate their holistic contribution to married and family life. If they provide financially with a full-time job, what is contributed after those work hours? (A full-time parenting job is much more than 9-5.) This is an opportunity to learn about the concept of “mental load.” A great resource for reigniting your marriage is the book “Fair Play.” Married men need to consciously choose to contribute to the domestic demands of family life.
For unmarried men, there’s an opportunity to learn the skills to successfully take care of your future family. Many men would do anything to protect their families — so start by learning to do laundry, cook, clean and communicate. (These activities keep your family healthy and strong!)
A comprehensive study from Europe found that when men participated in family life more, divorce dropped 34%.
3. Men can learn to listen to women.
If your first instinct is to discount this information, you might wonder why? The Gottmans (the renowned husband-wife team that have done the most comprehensive research on healthy marriages … and what prompts divorce) say that respect is a key foundation to a healthy marriage. Listening to your partner and attempting to understand where they are coming from is an integral component of respect.
If we are serious about strengthening marriage, the solution is not to pressure young women to marry or to tell them their expectations are too high. The onus is not on one party.
The question is not whether young women are willing to choose marriage. The more valid question is: “Are men and women, together, willing to build marriages worth choosing?”
The goal is a divine marriage where both parties contribute to creating a relationship where joy, vitality, and mutual thriving are present.