Over the past several weeks, Latter-day Saints have been having a renewed conversation about retention: who is leaving, why they are leaving, and whether young women in particular are becoming harder to keep in the church. Within Christendom more broadly, women have historically been more likely to retain their faith, but that gap appears to be narrowing and perhaps reversing in younger generations.
Last week, Meagan Kohler and Stephen Cranney called into question the common claim that ordaining women and adopting other gender egalitarian policies within churches would improve retention among young women in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Contrary to common claims, the decrease in retention among Latter-day Saints is comparable to other Christian denominations, and retention among young women, in particular, is slightly higher than most Christian denominations.
However, retention among young women of faith is certainly on the decline, including among Latter-day Saints. And many young women leaving do cite issues related to gender roles and politics as reasons for their departure.
So what does it take to keep women of faith in the pews?
Activism as the answer?
I understand the women we’re talking about, because I was one of them. I remember being very interested from a young age in issues of women’s equality. Growing up in the 1990s, “women’s equality” was not an aspiration so much as a worldview, with a specific set of political propositions, including “blank-slatism,” careerism, “reproductive rights” and opposition to an ill-defined “patriarchy.”
But I was not merely interested in the glamour of political activism — I truly felt called to spend my life advocating for the well-being of women.
During these years, I fluctuated in both my interest and activity level in the church. My views on issues such as abortion or women’s ordination often put me at odds with the church’s teachings.
I genuinely couldn’t understand how the church that taught me so often in my youth that I was a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loved me, that women had a divine nature and individual worth, could have what I perceived to be such a big blind spot when it came to women’s equality. Would a God who loved his daughters as much as his sons truly give those daughters seemingly fewer rights and responsibilities?
Even after serving a faithful mission, I assumed that many of the church’s teachings on sex and gender were “policy” and not “doctrine.” I was just ahead of the times.
Eventually, however, my assumptions about sex and gender and the church’s teachings became impossible to reconcile. This led me down another rabbit hole of questions and doubts about the church’s history and truth claims.
In retrospect, I see how I had put God in a box to that point — assuming that surely his morality would align perfectly with mine. I had never really considered that my views might be wrong.
What if I was wrong?
One thing critics of religion so rarely remember when they advocate for policy or doctrinal changes is that religious people actually believe their faith to be inspired by God.
So what if the differentiated gender roles within the church really did come from God? “Would I allow my personal discomfort with those roles to keep me away from him?” I started to wonder. Or was I willing to set aside some of my personal convictions and wholeheartedly “experiment upon the word”?
Gratefully, for whatever reason and only through the grace of God, I decided to dig my heels and find out.
What changed my mind
There are many reasons for a woman to stay in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints: Latter-day Saint women have some of the highest rates of peace and well-being among religious groups and have the highest rate of being “very happy.” More Latter-day Saint women rate their family lives as “excellent” than any other religious group. And contrary to popular narratives, Latter-day Saint women have a long tradition of political involvement, community building, and seeking after higher education.
Compelling as these reasons may be, ultimately most of us can point to experiences and data to support any worldview and lifestyle we choose. Political trends shift with the wind. What changed my mind was not better talking points. It was Jesus Christ.
When I decided to give the faith of my youth a chance and really live it, I felt my heart turn toward him in a way that softened my heart and allowed me to reconsider my priors. Did I immediately develop a strong testimony of male-only ordination? Certainly not. But I did find that the more I read my scriptures, served in my callings, offered sincere prayers, dedicated myself to serving my ward, the more I felt the presence of Jesus Christ in a way that had escaped me thus far in my life.
And the more Jesus I had in my life, the more I needed him. Much of the secular music I had enjoyed now sounded sour to my ears. I turned a general conference talk on while doing the dishes and found myself listening to an entire session. I had been parched for so long I hadn’t realized it, and once I found the rivers of living water I could hardly stop drinking.
Conversion did not answer all of my questions about women. It changed what I believed those questions were subordinate to.
I still feel a deep calling to spend my life caring and advocating for women and children. Many priesthood blessings have assured me that this was always God’s plan for me.
And because I have been there, I know that many women who have adopted a progressive, gender egalitarian worldview are completely sincere in their dedication to women. But I now believe women are best served when we do so through a lens of discipleship, not one of political ideology.
Even more focused on Christ
I rejoice at the many inspired changes to church programs over the past few years that better keep our eye on our Savior.
For example, I had many positive experiences in the inspired Young Women program growing up. I worked hard to earn my “Personal Progress” award, putting in many hours practicing hymns on the piano, reading the Book of Mormon, and offering volunteer babysitting to young couples attending ward temple night.
But looking back, I can see the difference between doing the things disciples do and actually becoming a disciple of Jesus Christ. This, in my opinion, is how we keep young women in the pews — centering our lessons and gospel discussion on Jesus Christ.
Relief Society General President Camille Johnson captured this in her BYU Women’s Conference keynote address earlier this year: “I am not suggesting you add something more to your ‘to do’ list to strengthen your relationship with Jesus Christ. I am inviting you to do more with what you are already doing. … Let us be the holy women whose lamps are full of the oil of conversion and who let their light shine.”
Listening with compassion
In a world that is so dismissive of families, children and the roles that women have traditionally played within families and communities, I think it is likely that more women of faith will have to confront these questions head-on, and learn how to better talk to women with concerns about gender equality.
We should not dismiss these as merely “feminism.”
Unfortunately, it is all too common for women who have sincere, heartfelt concerns about our church’s teachings on sex, gender, and the family to be dismissed with comments like “well I’ve never felt that way.”
I do not wish to do that. I have, in fact, felt that way, and even now, I find those concerns reasonable and worthy of discussion. Nor do I wish to offer a patronizing “I used to think that, but now I know better.”
Ultimately no argument about gender roles can replace a relationship with Jesus Christ. Our sisters and daughters and friends will continue to encounter questions without easy answers. What will sustain them is not perfect agreement with every church policy or adoption of new ones, but a relationship with a Savior strong enough to lean on him when they do not yet understand.