Cybill Shepherd. You remember her. She used to star in the ABC series "Moonlighting," in which she played gorgeous ex-model Maddie Hayes to Bruce Willis' hip, street-smart detective, David Addison.
Well, Shepherd is back on ABC tonight in "Stormy Weathers," and this time she's the detective.Actually, Shepherd is not only the star but one of the executive producers of this made-for-TV movie, which airs at 8 p.m. on Ch. 4. And one can just imagine how the character of Samantha "Stormy" Weathers was conceived.
"You know, I've done this sort of thing before," Shepherd might have said. "Only the last time, that other guy got all the good lines. All the snappy answers.
"This time, I want to be the one who gets all the good lines."
Well, Shepherd's character does get more than her share of snappy patter, such as it is. But "Stormy Weathers" has no "good" lines to speak of.
We're talking about one of the worst-written abominations foisted on the viewing public this season.
Not only is "Weathers" a failed attempt to recreate the humor of "Moonlighting," but it's a disastrous parody of '40s detective movies.
Samantha is a private investigator, complete with an office that might have been used by Sam Spade. She quickly picks up a nerdy computer whiz assistant she calls Squirrel (Charlie Schlatter), who, for some unexplainable reason, decides to give up his projected $500,000-per-year income to work for her.
She spouts lines like this one, which she utters when she figures out a piece of the mystery before Squirrel's computer: "Sometimes the old shoe leather can still beat that hunk of silicone."
(Aaauuuugghhhh!)
There's lots more dialogue like that, much of it delivered staccato fashion as narration. It's like watching a collection of the entertainment industry's worst detective cliches.
Case in point: Samantha takes on the case this telemovie revolves around to clear the name of her dead father, who was wrongly forced off the police force 15 years earlier.
Now there's an original idea.
As for the mystery itself, it's so convoluted and bizarre it unintentionally provides about the only humor in "Stormy Weathers." It involves murder, drugs, politics and innumerable bits of dozens of old TV plots.
(Not only is the plot fuzzy, but so is the picture - the same technique "Moonlighting" so often employed to keep Shepherd looking young.)
In the course of solving this mystery, Samantha and her karate instructor practice in her apartment. (She's an Inspector Clouseau fan, apparently).
While being chased by two thugs in a car chase in broad daylight, she naturally leaps out of her car into a dark and gloomy abandoned warehouse.
The result of this encounter is something you might expect to see if you were watching Looney Tunes.
And watch while Sam beats up several large thugs in a pool-room fight!
It's hard to believe that scriptwriters V.S. Morrissey and Gerald Ayres even allowed their names to be attached to this.
The supporting characters include a stereotypical dumb cop, a stereotypical black drug dealer and Sam's best friend from high school, a lesbian newspaper reporter.
Shepherd, saddled with an atrocious script, creates a thoroughly unlikable heroine. There's nothing wrong with a strong woman, but Sam is a smug know-it-all with only her looks to make her in the least bit attractive.
This movie is reportedly a tryout for what could turn into a series of movies starring Shepherd as the title character.
But, on the other hand, maybe the viewers will be spared any more of this kind of "Stormy Weathers."