Are there any golden rules of parenting, advice that transcends the faddy and fashionable?
We asked some parenting gurus of the past three decades for core principles of child-rearing that have stood the test of time. Here are eight essential techniques you need to know.
1. GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR
According to Dr. Stanley Greenspan, author of "The Challenging Child" (Addison Wesley, 1995) and clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at George Washington University Medical Center in Washington, D.C., "floor time" is based on a simple premise: Follow children's lead during play and you'll see into their inner world.
"The key is to let your child select the game," he says. "Don't take over. You want your youngster to see that you can get on her level and stay interested.
"Floor time lets a fearful child become more assertive. It helps an aggressive kid express herself with words, not fists. Children feel more cherished," Greenspan says.
A common mistake: Observing instead of participating. Floor time does not mean sitting nearby while your child sets up a doll's tea party. You should ask to be one of the guests at the party and allow your child to guide what you do.
2. LET KIDS EXPERIENCE NATURAL CONSEQUENCES
Letting a child experience consequences is one of the best ways to develop responsibility and self-discipline, says Charles Schaefer, a professor of psychology at Fairleigh Dickinson University in Teaneck, N.J., and co-author of "Teach Your Child to Behave" (NAL-Dutton, 1991).
A child as young as 3 can understand the basic cause-and-effect relationship. Simply say, "If you leave toys in the driveway, they may get run over."
Then let nature take its course. Don't spoil the lesson by replacing run-over toys. If you're forever preventing children from falling on their faces, they'll never learn to pick themselves up.
If the natural consequence would be too dangerous (pounding on a glass tabletop with a heavy toy) or costly (leaving a 10-speed bike unlocked), assign logical consequences instead, such as taking away the toy or prohibiting bicycle-riding for a week.
A common mistake: Assigning consequences unrelated to the infraction.
"If your child jumps on the sofa while watching TV, it makes no sense to punish him by canceling a play date," Schaefer says. "You want him to see a connection between his behavior and what resulted - so turn off the TV."
3. PROVIDE POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT
One of the most effective rewards for any child is your approval.
"Catch your children being good - sharing toys, being polite, doing chores - and give them words of praise, a smile or a hug," says Dr. Barton D. Schmitt, a Denver-based pediatrician and author of "Your Child's Health" (Bantam, 1991).
Be specific and stay behavior-focused. "Thanks for keeping quiet while I was on the phone" and "I'm so proud of the way you settled that disagreement with your brother" are sure to bring repeat performances.
A common mistake: Using rewards as bribes to prevent misbehavior. A child who is acting up doesn't deserve a treat, Schmitt says. "Misbehavior is better dealt with by giving a timeout or removing a privilege."
4. TUNE IN TO YOUR CHILD'S TEMPERAMENT
Differences in temperament or behavioral style are the main reason parenting can never be one-size-fits-all, says child psychiatrist Dr. Stella Chess, author of "Know Your Child" (Basic Books, 1987).
Temperament affects children's activity levels, distractibility, responses to new situations and emotional intensity.
You can avoid power struggles and make child-rearing less frustrating by accepting a child's temperament and, when feasible, adapting to it.
Acceptance doesn't mean letting children get away with murder, but rather working with their temperaments. Instead of telling your children they'll swelter in long sleeves on a 90-degree day, accept that they have definite clothing preferences, and try allowing them to choose one of several outfits you can live with.
A common mistake: Trying to change the world to fit your child. If you're taking a high-energy youngster to visit relatives, don't insist that they put all breakables out of reach. Instead, coach your child on proper behavior beforehand, and take her out if she needs a romp.
5. SET LIMITS - EARLY AND CONSISTENTLY
Burton L. White, director of the Center for Parent Education in Newton, Mass., and author of "Raising a Happy, Unspoiled Child" notes that spoiling a child can paradoxically make for long-term unhappiness, since children can never get their own way forever.
So the sooner you start setting limits, the better. Even babies can be pulled away from the breast if they bite it while feeding. And preschoolers can certainly follow rules if they are explained in a simple, age-appropriate way.
"The key is to make it clear that the parent runs the home," White says. "To get along in the world, a child needs to learn that while he is indeed special, he is no more special than anyone else. He needs to know where his legitimate rights end and other people's begin."
Be consistent. If you say snatching a toy from a sibling will result in a timeout, make sure that it does, today and every day.
A common mistake: Being too strict. Kids need opportunities to explore and learn from experience, so don't go overboard and set unnecessary restrictions.
6. LET YOUR CHILDREN KNOW HOW YOU FEEL - WITHOUT PUTTING THEM DOWN
When a child's behavior causes problems, it's easy to respond with "If you're late again, you're grounded" or "If your head weren't attached to your shoulders, I bet you'd forget that, too."
"Such `you messages' point a finger of blame at children, causing them to feel inadequate, unloved or unjustly accused," says Thomas Gordon, founder of Parent Effectiveness Training and a psychologist based in Solana Beach, Calif.
When you use "I messages," such as "Honey, I can't hear with the TV that loud," your message isn't a put-down, Gordon says.
"It's less likely to wound or provoke rebellion. It encourages children to think about the effect their actions have on others and behave more considerately."
A common mistake: Sending "you messages" disguised as "I messages." Saying "I feel you're selfish" has the same impact as "You're selfish."
7. LET KIDS GROW AT THEIR OWN PACE
"Parents hurry kids out of diapers, into academics and on to independence," says British psychologist Penelope Leach, author of "Children First" (Knopf, 1994). "It's a deeply entrenched assumption that children who go fastest go furthest."
Pushing sets children up for failure, Leach says. "How does the youngster who is hustled onto the peewee softball team a year early feel when she turns out to be the worst player in the league?"
Teach your children only as much as they ask you to. "No child has ever asked for flashcards," she says. "But they will ask you to read to them and to count their toes. That's fun, and when she's having fun, she's learning."
A common mistake: Failing to open doors because you're afraid to push your child too hard. Young children cannot take themselves to the library, pool or park.
"The parent's role is like that of the mountain guide," Leach says. "Don't drag your little hiker up the hill kicking and screaming. But do point out the trail to the top."
8. ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR CHILD'S FEELINGS
There's potential damage in words intended to soothe, such as "Don't cry, it's just a scratch," "How can you say your drawing is ugly, it's lovely" and "Of course you don't hate Daddy, he didn't mean to miss your soccer game."
Such remarks "trivialize a child's pain and teach him to negate or feel ashamed of his emotions," says Adele Faber, co-author of "How to Talk So Kids Can Learn - at Home and in School".
A more constructive response is to listen for the feelings behind a child's statement and reflect them: "Oh, you're disappointed with your drawing."
This not only conveys your understanding, but also helps the child more clearly identify his/her feelings and move beyond them.
A common mistake: Analyzing dispassionately. If a best friend has betrayed your child's confidence, don't be too analytical.
Your response should reflect the emotional heat, Faber says. "`No wonder you're upset! That was strictly personal information you gave Larry.
"That shows you really understand."