Since her early days as Elton John's backup singer and then a solo artist and Grammy nominee, Cindy Bullens was a "straight-ahead, slam-bam, thank you, ma'am" kind of performer, to quote her own words.
That all changed three years ago when her 11-year-old daughter, Jessie, lost a battle with cancer after being diagnosed just three months before. Suddenly, Bullens had a new purpose. She began writing about the fragility of life, about self-examination, and healing."I just picked up a guitar one day and was strumming it when the song 'Between Heaven and Earth' came out," Bullens says of the title track to her new album. "I wasn't exactly thrilled to write a song about the death of my own child. But I also knew I was doing what I needed to do for myself."
Bullens, who lives in Portland, Maine, feels that her latest songs -- the album features guests Bonnie Raitt, Lucinda Williams, and Beth Nielsen Chapman (who lost her husband to cancer) -- are a "gift."
"I've lost my daughter, and there's just no describing the experience," says Bullens. "But it feels as if I'm part of a bigger picture now. I don't want it to sound too simple or New Age-y, but I really feel Jessie has given me the gift of these songs, and it's my mission to go out and sing them. I don't have a career goal. I'm just going out there one day at a time. I'm enjoying playing these songs and am getting an incredible reaction face-to-face."
The songs are excruciatingly personal as Bullens -- blessed with a powerful voice -- belts them from the depth of her being. But they also have a universal appeal, applying to love stories of any kind. She poignantly cites "losing forever in the blink of an eye" in the title track.
She later sings "I've lost your summer laughter to a thousand shades of gray" and "there was a time when I was so inspired by life's mystery -- can I find my way back?" She finally realizes she can in the closer, "Better than Ever Before," with the line, "Don't count me out -- sometimes, I'm stronger than I've ever felt."
Jessie died of an infection during treatment for Hodgkin's disease. "She had a seizure on the morning of my birthday on March 21, 1996, and died March 23 after being on life support," says Bullens. "All of her friends came in to say goodbye to her. We were just totally shocked.
"Jessie was an unbelievable kid, let's start there. Every time I try to describe her, I feel I'm coming up way too short. She was born with an attitude toward life -- and we knew this from birth -- that was completely joyful. I said this way before she was sick. This is not a glorified personality sketch after the death of my child. She knew what life was about. She knew life was to be treasured and enjoyed, but she always had passion for the underdog and hated what was wrong with the world.
"She was a spirited child -- maybe the most spirited person I ever knew in my life. She was the only girl on her Little League team and the star of the soccer team. She was strong and vibrant and active."
Bullens, who is now in her mid-40s, and her husband, Dan Crewe, have another daughter, Reid, now 17, who sings on the new album. Crewe manages Bob Clearmountain, a well-known sound-mixer for top rock acts, and also started Gateway Studio in Portland with mastering engineer Bob Ludwig.
Crewe's brother, Bob, who has worked with Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons and Mitch Ryder, helped Bullens get started in the '70s in Los Angeles where Bullens went "with my knapsack and a guitar" after growing up in West Newbury, north of Boston.
By crashing a party, Bullens met Elton John in L.A. and ended up doing three tours with him in 1975 and 1976. She sang with John when he played the 1976 bicentennial concert at Foxboro Stadium (then called Shaeffer Stadium) with the Eagles and Fleetwood Mac. She also sang on John's hit single "Don't Go Breakin' My Heart" before making her solo debut album, "Desire Wire," in 1979. It yielded the hit "Survivor" and a Grammy nomination for best rock vocal.
Bullens released two albums, and each time the record label folded. So she "took a break that turned into a long break" by having children, though she's also recorded with Raitt, Bob Dylan, and Rod Stewart and has written for the Dixie Chicks.
But the new disc represents an unexpected comeback. At first, she pressed only 1,000 CDs, with the proceeds going to the nonprofit Jessie Bullens-Crewe Foundation (PO Box 1083, Portland, ME 04104). Then the CD was discovered by Danny Goldberg -- former boss of Mercury Records and now of Artemis Records -- who signed her to Artemis.
"I was stunned," admits Bullens. "My first question (to him) was, 'Do you understand why I did this record?' It's not to resurrect my career. It's not for commercial reasons. He understood, and I'm very grateful.