The Sci-fi Channel is describing its new series, "Black Scorpion," as a cross between "Baywatch" and "Batman" — a surprisingly accurate description.
But not a particularly flattering one. "Black Scorpion" may be the dumbest thing to hit TV since, well, "Batman" and "Baywatch."
If there's a point to the show — and that's open to debate — it seems to be showing as much cleavage as possible for star Michelle Lintel (whose claim to fame is that she's a former Miss Kansas — whoo-whee!) and the 10 Playboy Playmates who guest-star on the series. That and to create as much violent mayhem as possible.
Lintel stars as Darcy Walker, an undercover cop who moonlights as Black Scorpion — a leather-clad superheroine with a high-tech car who battles villains who seem to come straight out of "Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers" by way of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre." She's the daughter of a murdered cop (now there's an original idea) whose arch-nemesis is his murderer, a bad guy known as Breathtaker (played by the '60s Batman himself, Adam West).
There is the usual array of sidekicks, bosses and partners. (Darcy's police partner is played by Scott Valentine, answering the question of what happened to him since "Family Ties" was canceled.) And we can only hope that the cheesy dialogue and lame special effects are intentional — it would be far too frightening to think that this happened accidentally.
But while the show's producers — who include schlock horrormeister Roger Corman — are trying desperately to make the show campy and fun, they fail. It's just remarkably stupid and lame.
Who, exactly, is supposed to watch "Black Scorpion" is the show's greatest mystery. It's too silly for adults and too sexy and violent for children.
And, again, it's just too stupid for just about everyone with an IQ in double figures.
If you've ever seen the sexy, exploitative Sci-fi series "Lexx," you'll have some idea of what to expect from "Black Scorpion." Just don't expect anything even that good.
The Sci-fi Channel aims considerably higher with its other new weekly series, "The Secret Adventures of Jules Verne." Unfortunately, judging by tonight's premiere, its aim isn't all that good.
"Adventures" is sort of a 19th-century James Bond adventure — or, perhaps more accurately, a European "Wild, Wild West."
Chris Demetral ("Dream On") stars as Jules, a student at Paris' Sorbonne University with an amazing vision of the future. His talents are sought after by the evil League of Darkness, which seeks to kidnap and exploit him.
But the series' central character seems to be Phileas Fogg (Michael Praed), a former British secret agent who has lived through the loss of his brother and the recent death of his estranged father. In the pilot, much of his backstory is told in flashbacks, which slows down and muddles the episode.
And this is not a males-only show — Fogg's cousin, Rebecca (Francesca Hunt), is a butt-kicking British agent herself.
There may, perhaps, be a series here. It's difficult to say, given that the first hour spends so much time setting things up that it's hard to tell what's in store for future episodes. "Secret Adventures" does, at least, have decent production values — this is not the same sort of cheesy junk as "Black Scorpion."
But the jury is still out on this one.
E-MAIL: pierce@desnews.com