Hold the lawyers. There's no need to go to court to enforce decorum on Temple Square. There's an easier way.
Just ban TV cameras.
Two days after the 10th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that the LDS Church cannot enforce certain speech and behavior standards on the Main Street Plaza, I went there to find one of those fire-and-brimstone, pamphlet-wielding protesters I had seen on TV the previous day.
Or, as you call them around your house, Total Losers With Nothing Better to Do Than Kill a Weekday Campaigning Against a Church.
I showed up in the middle of the afternoon and found . . . nothing. It was as quiet as a meeting of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, only quieter because there were no crying babies. No one was sunbathing. No one was handing out pamphlets. No one was calling the church names. No one was smoking. No one was "engaging in any illegal, offensive, indecent, obscene, vulgar, lewd or disorderly speech, dress or conduct," as previously prohibited.
Boooorrrring.
Where did the protesters go?
"Haven't seen any of them today," said Matt Jones, who works as an electrician on Temple Square. "As soon as the TV cameras left yesterday, they left."
"There were only two of them," said Matt Urry, another electrician. "One was yelling and one was passing out stuff. But they're gone today."
"Who? Oh, they were here the first day, but once the cameras were gone, they went home," gardener Larry Tavenner said. "They just wanted to make a big splash."
Not that anyone would ever suggest that these protesters are publicity hounds.
By now it was 3 o'clock in the afternoon. Either these protesters weren't showing up, or they were just late getting to work. Or maybe they were kidnapped by the First Quorum of the Seventy and are being tortured at a secret location on Temple Square.
I asked the girl who was stringing Christmas lights in the trees where the show was, but she just laughed. "Haven't seen anyone today. They were out here the first day, but they left after the TV reporters left."
So, now we know the solution. No more TV cameras. Keep them away, or hide them, and these vultures can go harass someone else, like say the Vatican or the Vienna Boys Choir or a Baptist convention. There's cause and effect here: Get rid of the TV cameras, you lose the obnoxious people sticking pamphlets in your face.
On the other hand, where's the fun in that? Layne Sybrowsky left his downtown office in the middle of the afternoon seeking some Jenny Jones-type diversion on the plaza but was left wanting.
"I saw them on TV the other night, and I thought, I'm going to go down there and mix it up with them," he said, grinning. "Maybe rip a pamphlet in their face, or something. But there's no one down here. I'm disappointed. This is no fun. I'm going back to work."
Well, maybe we missed them. I asked an Elder Benson, who works on Temple Square, if he had seen anyone. "No. I guess they had to show up that first day. It was their obligation."
It's probably just me, but I thought I detected just a hint of sarcasm there.
Maybe it was their day off. Even crusaders need a break. Yelling at people and passing out pamphlets is hard work.
The three women in the information office of the adjacent Joseph Smith Memorial Building hadn't seen any action, either: "We just came from Temple Square, and we didn't see anything. Here, have some taffy."
I didn't see any trouble, but here's what I did see: a jogger, people reading books, people reflecting at the reflecting pond, children playing, herds of brides and grooms posing for pictures ("Is Friday the big wedding day around here?" a visitor from California asked me. Yes, I explained, and so are Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday).
It was a disappointing trip to the plaza. If you go to the circus, you expect to see some clowns.
"They'll be back for general conference," Tavenner said.
And the TV cameras.
Doug Robinson's column runs on Tuesdays. E-mail drob@desnews.com.