"Let us face without panic the reality of our times — the fact that atom bombs may someday be dropped on our cities." So says the narrator of the 1951 Civil Defense short "Survival Under Nuclear Attack," although his remark doesn't seem likely to calm listeners.
The narrator of the infamous "Duck and Cover" is hardly any more reassuring, despite his rah-rah delivery.
"Always remember, the flash of an atom bomb can come at any time, no matter where you may be," he reminds his audience (which, at the time this was shown a half-century ago, would mainly have consisted of petrified schoolchildren).
As we see a young boy riding a bicycle down an all-American street, the narrator continues: "Here's Tony going to his Cub Scout meeting. Tony knows the bomb can explode any time of the year, day or night. He is ready for it." The screen then turns white, as if from a sudden flash, and Tony jumps off his bike and cowers beside a curb. "Duck and cover! Attaboy, Tony!"
And, hey, if some of that pesky fallout does get through to contaminate your genes, it's not the end of the world (unless it really is the end of the world). As the narrator reminds viewers in the 1950 government short "Medical Aspects of Nuclear Radiation": "Besides, a mutation can be a good variation — an improvement."
These now campy yet somehow chilling Cold War instructional films are among the bonuses included on the latest amazing DVD release from Image Entertainment and Something Weird Video, the "Duck and Cover Double Feature" of "Atomic War Bride" (1960) and "This Is Not a Test" (1961).
Several other video companies also have dipped into the nuclear stockpile.
Synapse Films has just released an "Atomic Special Edition" of "Invasion, U.S.A." (1952), an ultracheap "Joseph McCarthy fever dream" (to quote the DVD's liner notes) that imagines (mostly through old World War II stock footage) a Soviet invasion of America.
"It's a nightmare — this can't be happening," says blond bombshell Peggie Castle.
"It was a cinch to happen," responds tough-guy newshound Gerald Mohr. "Last time I met a girl I really liked, they bombed Pearl Harbor."
Actually, the invading nation — which drops atom bombs on San Francisco, New York and Boulder Dam — isn't identified in the dialogue. Still, it's pretty obvious who the enemy is supposed to be when fifth columnists denounce the "capitalist rats" and "Wall Street warmongers" of America and soldiers declare "Bombs away!" in Boris Badenov accents ("Bums avay!").
The Reds are lustful and loutish, too. "Ah, whisky — whisky good. Da!" affirms one sweaty comrade, who tries to subject Castle to a fate worse than death after getting soused on a few slugs from her liquor cabinet.
She throws herself from her high-rise window rather than allow herself to be pawed by a card-carrying Party member.
"Invasion, U.S.A." — directed by Alfred E. Green and produced by mogul extraordinaire Albert Zugsmith ("Touch of Evil," "High School Confidential") — isn't exactly educational, but it does offer a helpful hint on how to expose a Communist: Quiz him about baseball. When a Soviet soldier in a U.S. Army uniform approaches the Capitol in Washington, the guard on duty asks where he's from. When the sneak says "Chicago," the guard asks: "You ever go see the Cubs play?" Responds the confused comrade: "Cubs? A cub is a young animal — a bear." And the jig is up! Rat-a-tat-tat!
The "Invasion, U.S.A." DVD has some great bonus features, including a list of "the Top 100 Best Atomic Films Ever Made," and the half-hour "Red Nightmare" (1962), a slick bit of anti-Communist propaganda hosted by Jack Webb, who materializes out of the decor to narrate the story like a McCarthyite version of Rod Serling.
In the movie, Jerry Donovan (Jack Kelly) regrets blowing off all those democratic PTA meetings for bowling after he awakens to discover he is the only remaining free-thinking American in a town that has turned Red. His teenage daughter, for example, is now eager to join a "people's collective" to "free myself of the lingering bourgeois influence of family life," while the neighborhood church has been converted to "The People's Museum."
(Jerry is outraged to discover that the exhibit "Soviet Inventions" includes a telephone, which — as he yells at the curator — was invented by "Bell, Alexander Graham Bell — and he was an American. Get that, comrade?!")
The Image/Something Weird DVD double dose of radioactive entertainment begins with "Atomic War Bride," a grim and clever Yugoslav satire directed by Veljko Bulajic that offers a fascinating look from the Communist perspective at the possibility of nuclear annihilation.
"War Bride" — a sort of modest "Dr. Strangelove" as experienced by those outside the military bunkers and the corridors of power — concerns a naive, patriotic young man whose wedding is interrupted by air raid sirens and explosions. He is taken from his bride, coerced into military service and ultimately sentenced to die for criticizing the war effort. His execution is postponed, however, when a firing squad rifleman points out that the bombs have knocked down all the walls, so there's nothing for the condemned to stand against.
The second feature, "This Is Not a Test," is a no-budget, "Twilight Zone"-esque tale in which a group of "average" Americans — a trucker, a floozy, a deputy sheriff, a psycho, an old-timer, a boozer — find themselves isolated on a mountain road, waiting for the missiles to strike. The movie's sudden ending concludes the poverty row proceedings on a note of bleak, pre-"Fail Safe" integrity.