In the 1990s and early 2000s, some loosely associated, well-intentioned trends in teaching sexual morality to Christian teens ultimately had some consequences that many have come to see as harmful. That’s become referred to by many today as “purity culture.”
While it’s easy to critique what was done in the past, it is much harder to build something better.
Much of the Western world currently embraces a consent-based model of sexual ethics, meaning all sex that is consented to by willing participants is good. While affirming a positive theology of sexuality, Latter-day Saints still see intimacy as sacred and requiring careful boundaries.
President Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints once explained:
“God’s trust in us to respect this future-forming gift is awesomely staggering. We who may not be able to repair a bicycle nor assemble an average jigsaw puzzle — yet with all our weaknesses and imperfections, we carry this procreative power that makes us very much like God in at least one grand and majestic way.”
As a mother working on having these conversations in my own home, I am convinced that the answer to the failures of so-called “purity culture” is not silence or embarrassment, nor is it overpermissiveness. We need something better: frankness, reverence and open discussions of truth without crudeness or shame.
Don’t avoid the conversations
The first, and perhaps hardest, part is just to have the conversation. In “And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage Through Sexual Fulfillment,” Latter-day Saint marriage and family therapist Laura Brotherson writes: “In our zeal to keep sacred things sacred we hesitate to talk about them at all. Thus, the sacredness slips into a secretness that can shut the door to needed light and understanding.”
When our oldest daughter started asking frequent questions about some of the more mature aspects of sexuality and reproduction, my husband and I agreed that our first priority was just to not be embarrassed. Children often take many repetitions to learn something new, giving parents ample opportunities to reteach something they may have taught imperfectly. These conversations do not have to be perfect to be powerful.
Teaching reverence, not shame
As I wrote about previously, using a shame-based approach to teaching sexual morality can backfire and lead to a negative outlook on sexuality altogether. A shame-based approach includes avoiding conversations, but it also includes using metaphors that imply that sexual intimacy makes one damaged or undesirable (such as licked cupcakes).
Historically, girls have been cautioned about dressing modestly or behaving righteously to prevent boys from having impure thoughts. The BYU researchers behind “A Better Way to Teach Kids about Sex” explain, “Young women are not responsible for the thoughts of young men. … When blame is transferred to young women for the inappropriate thoughts or behaviors of young men, we undermine the principles of personal responsibility and agency.”
Children should learn that sexual feelings are a normal and healthy part of mortal development. In the past, some children have come away from these discussions afraid of their bodies. Today, we can help maturing children understand that powerful feelings require wisdom, self-mastery and divine guidance. Parents can talk about intimacy as a blessing from a loving Heavenly Father who has put boundaries on this gift because of its power.
Former Church of Jesus Christ President Spencer W. Kimball taught, “In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in a process of creation and in an expression of love.”
Ongoing conversations — not just ‘the talk’
Experts inside and outside the church recommend families not wait until the middle school years to initiate conversations about sexuality. By then, they have often been exposed to discussions of sexuality in school and online. Unfortunately, the average age of first pornography exposure is now only 12 years old.
Former Primary General President Joy D. Jones explained, “Parents, we must start the conversation and not wait for children to come to us. I love the suggestion of having regular, frequent, comfortable conversations instead of a one-time event. … The benefits of caring conversations are that parents and trusted leaders are the experts, not Google; talking can occur in a safe environment; and talking increases the trust of the child.”
For many families, these discussions often first start with a baby and toddler correctly naming the parts of the external sexual anatomy, followed by discussions with young children of appropriate sexual boundaries.
As children approach middle elementary years, more frank conversations can be had about maturation, puberty and reproduction.
The authors of “A Better Way to Teach Kids about Sex” write, “This is (the stage in life) to give children accurate, complete information. … Explain the mechanics of sexual intercourse but also the idea that healthy sex occurs within marriage because that is where these feelings and expression are most likely to be protected and held sacred.”
As puberty approaches and begins, children also need an understanding of sexual development and arousal before those experiences arrive in confusing ways. They should know that physical attraction and sexual feelings are part of growing up, but that they are also feelings to govern — not obey automatically.
Teenagers need more than rules. They need “regular in-depth conversations about their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors,” as the authors of “A Better Way to Teach Kids about Sex” explain. They need parents who will talk about dating, media, pornography, masturbation, repentance, respect, agency, and the difference between temptation and sin with clarity and compassion.
Throughout the entire process, children and teens should be reminded that if someone else harms them, it is not their fault and they are still worthy of love.
There are a variety of books and resources available to support these conversations, but the most important resources in guiding these conversations are love, patience and the companionship of the Spirit.
Even the best conversations at home, however, will not guarantee that our children never make mistakes. That is why any gospel-centered approach to sexuality must include more than prevention. It must include Jesus Christ.
Inviting God into the conversation
Whenever I talk to my children about wrong choices, disobedience or sin, I try to always end with something like this: “Do you know how much I love you? I love you so much that you probably won’t understand how much until you have children of your own someday.
“There is nothing you can ever, ever do, that will make me love you even a little bit less. I will love you forever, no matter what.”
This is usually when my 4-year-old son will jump in with something hilarious like, “Even if I burp really big, so big it breaks the whole entire universe?”
“Yes, even then,” I might respond. “I hope you know that whatever mistake you make, I want you to talk to me about it. I might be sad for you because mistakes have consequences, but I will always want to help you.”
“But as much as I love you,” I make sure to add, “Jesus loves you even more. He has felt the pain of all your mistakes, and he wants to help.”
Sexual sin is serious — it carries both physical and spiritual risks. We ought not to underemphasize the law of chastity or pretend that choices involving our bodies are inconsequential. At the same time, we must be just as clear that no sin places a child beyond the reach of Jesus Christ.