Through various (or nefarious) means, your columnists have an insight into how many Utahns will be commemorating Pioneer Day this year. Well, these are at least suggestions.
Gov. Spencer Cox: He will not be setting off fireworks — aerials or political ones — as he continues to befriend adversaries and “disagree better” with those who apparently love to disagree.
Lt. Gov. Deidre Henderson: Celebrating freedom from oppressive federal demands and hopefully freedom from jail time since Homeland Security Secretary Markwayne Mullin threatened to arrest state election officials who do not produce voter records.
Sen. Mike Lee: Proselytizing that we must pass the “Save America Act” to stop all the fraudulent voting.
County Election Clerks: Celebrating the holiday, proud that Utah’s elections, including mail-in ballots, are free from fraud.
Sen. John Curtis: Having concluded his own 250-mile walk across Utah, he has bragging rights of completing his own version of the pioneer trek.
Utah Congressional Delegation Reps. Blake Moore, Celeste Maloy, Mike Kennedy, and presumptive Congressman-elect Ben McAdams: Will be participating in parades throughout their new districts, introducing themselves to new constituents, knowing they will likely have to do it again in two years, should the Supreme Court change the election maps once again.
Utah Speaker of the House Mike Schultz: He will attend the famous Days of 47 rodeo, wrangling not only cattle but rowdy new members of his caucus.
Utah Supreme Court justices: They will hold a potluck picnic so they can all get to know each other.
All Utahns: Grateful for the vacation day, enjoying summer activities, and praying for snow this winter.
Box Elder residents: Will be festooning parade floats with renditions of a thriving Great Salt Lake, led by a banner that reads: “This is the place … just not for data centers.”
Utah drivers: Considering reverting to the transportation methods of their pioneer ancestors as gas prices continue to rise.
Supporters of Prop 4: Spending the day relishing their victories and recommitting themselves to not be driven out without a fight.
World Cup fans: Basking in the excitement of the recent tournament, while reminding their friends that soccer really isn’t always boring. Oh, and it’s SOCCER, not football.
Utah Democrats: Normally accustomed to being “peculiar people” in Utah, will celebrate the judiciary and capturing a congressional seat. But today cannot be all fun and will spend time figuring out how to leverage this unexpected gift.
Utah Republicans: With a new war, an unpopular president and rising gas prices, they will use the holiday to celebrate their luck that GOP national approval/disapproval ratings are identical to Democrats.
Utah Senate President Stuart Adams: Utah’s greatest cheerleader can enjoy a day off with the knowledge that many accomplishments achieved by the state were because of his efforts.
Salt Lake City Mayor Erin Mendenhall: After receiving a warm reception during the parade, will be pondering whether to seek that elusive third term.
Public Service Commission: Enjoying a well-deserved break from pushing back on Rocky Mountain Power rate increases.
Presumptive legislative freshmen: Will be embarking on their own journey to seek out Zion, otherwise known as coveted committee assignments.
Salt Lake County Mayor Jenny Wilson: Keeping up the fight against the Cottonwood Canyon gondola, even on a holiday.
Utah Attorney General Derek Brown: Happy to have a day off to celebrate 18 months of no controversy under his leadership.
University of Utah President Taylor Randall: Celebrating Utah’s pioneering legacy of innovation with the recent signing of the unprecedented private-equity partnership, responding to realities of collegiate athletics.
Utah Jazz: Spending the day recalling hope was necessary for the pioneers to succeed. They will be asking fans to also keep the hope alive.
Utah Mammoth: Basking in their accomplishment of reaching the playoffs in their second season.
Hill Air Force Base: Like the Mormon Battalion, they are ready and willing to serve their country, but are happy to spend the day watching limited fireworks displays rather than the actual rockets’ red glare.
Bears Ears and Grand Staircase-Escalante Monument supporters: Dejected by the recent shrinking of these national monuments, they are considering declaring their own State of Deseret.
Utah meteorologists: They will honor the holiday and current weather patterns by forecasting El Niño storms with a slight chance of Mormon crickets and intermittent seagulls.
Forestry firefighters and hotshots: These brave souls will not be able to celebrate as they are defending Utah lives and property. The rest of us are grateful for such courage.
Cowley & Pignanelli: Both will be running. Renae will, of course, be astride her favorite horse, running in rodeos, while Frank will be on his weekly run to the Ensign Peak Monument.