Love conquers all — right?
Wrong, says relationship therapist Marcella Bakur Weiner. "This is one of the most persistent myths about love. But it is obvious from our global divorce rate that love alone is not enough."
It is just one of several myths about love that get people in trouble, says Weiner, who with co-author Edward Hoffman has written "The Love Compatibility Book" (New World Library, $14.95). Other myths include the notion that "one size fits all" — that people are all the same when it comes to their intimacy needs; and that "if you work on your relationship, all will be well."
A relationship that is all work fills you with the same kind of tightness in your stomach as a job you truly dislike, said Weiner, in an interview from her home office in Brooklyn, N.Y. "Work is work, and life shouldn't be all work."
Then there's the myth that "opposites attract." This notion came to the fore after World War II when social scientists began studying married couples for the first time. But, says Weiner, "it has been our experience in decades of counseling practice (between them they have 40 years of clinical experience) that every couple must have something in common for lasting intimacy to be possible."
So, why has the myth persisted? Probably, says Weiner, because when someone meets another person who is very different, he or she tends to think, "Ah, but I can change him to be more like me." And that, she says, is probably the biggest myth of all.
Weiner and Hoffman have identified 12 core personality traits that are important in an intimate relationship. Most of them begin developing at birth; many are even genetic. "This is why every person is different," says Weiner, "and this is why people are not going to change."
Consider, for example, the social phenomenon of the high school reunion. "What everyone notices, often to their utter amazement, is how little their classmates have really changed, despite their occupations, geographic locations or income levels. Decades later, Jennifer and Steve are, emotionally, exactly how you remember them in ninth-grade homeroom."
The 12 key traits are: need for companionship, idealism, emotional intensity, spontaneity, libido, nurturance, materialism, extroversion, aestheticism, activity level, subjective well-being and intellectualism.
And everyone has his or her own hierarchy of which traits are most important and which don't matter. There are no rights and wrongs; nothing that says you are supposed to be high in this area and low in that. And in areas that are not high priorities, differences hardly matter.
"I look at my own life, for example. My husband is into marathon-running. I consider going to the gym something akin to facing the Inquisition. But that's simply not as important to us as other things."
But if you and your partner are total opposites in areas that are on your "must-have" list of traits, conflict will develop.
So, says Weiner, the first step in building a relationship is understanding yourself and knowing what traits are important to you.
Their book offers 12 self-quizzes, one for each personality trait, that you can take to see how you rank in each area. Then you can have your would-be partner, if you are just getting into a relationship, or your partner, if you are already involved, take the quizzes to see how you match up.
"As therapists, we've heard it all," says Weiner. "We've picked out some of the things we hear over and over again: No one will go to the opera with me; my partner is not interested in sex; when I get sick, no one will take care of me. People say their partner won't do this or won't do that. They don't realize that it's not a matter of 'won't' as much as 'can't.' The more we become aware of genetic research, the more we realize that many of these traits are just like blue eyes. You can't say 'make your blue eyes brown'; you have to work with what you have."
Their approach can be very helpful if you are just getting into a relationship, says Weiner. But even if you are in a long-term relationship, it can help you understand yourself and your partner better, help you realize the cause of some of your frustrations and help you decide how to best work things out.
"It is not a terrible thing to not like arts or not like sports — unless that is the most important thing to your partner. What's important will stay important; that's not going to change."
E-MAIL: carma@desnews.com