10 tips for controlling your parents, or at least melting their hearts

I recently taught a lesson to the young women in our ward about improving their attitudes at home.

When I announced the lesson topic, they immediately rolled their eyes, folded their arms and slumped down into their chairs.

I quickly reframed the topic and called it “10 Ways to Control Your Parents or at Least Melt Their Hearts.”

They then sat up and became curious about what I had to say.

Having raised two teenage girls, I’ve learned that they naturally want to appear strong and independent, as if to always communicate the message, “I’ve got this. I don’t need my mom and dad or Young Women leader telling me how to do things. I’m a teenager. I’ve totally got this.”

The problem is they don’t really have it, and they know it. They just can’t take the risk of revealing that to their parents. That would ruin everything. They would feel powerless and childlike.

So in my lesson I came up with some ideas to help them interact more successfully with their parents while still maintaining their “I’ve so got this” veneer. Almost all of the suggestions challenged them, and they balked at most of them because it pushed them beyond their teenage limits.

At the end of the lesson, I asked them which ones they were going to try. Reluctantly, they each chose at least one idea from my list and I asked them to report back the following week to their Young Women leaders on how it worked for them. The next week several girls reported to their leaders that the ideas really worked. They helped them discover new ways of interacting with their parents.

Here are the 10 tips to win over your parents or at least melt their hearts:

1. Shock your parents by sharing something about your day or your activities. You know they’re going to ask. Instead of rolling your eyes, being offended and harrumphing around angrily, just be ready for the question, and tell them something — anything. It will get them off your back and they’ll feel like good parents who are succeeding at being involved in their kids’ lives.
2. Listen politely when they tell you something. Just look at them, make eye contact for a few seconds and act interested, like you appreciate what they’re saying. Pretend that what they’re saying actually interests you. They will suddenly think you are amazingly mature, and without even realizing it, they’ll trust you more, which means they might give you a little more freedom.
3. Apologize. If you get home late, forget to call, don’t clean your room or whatever the offense, just say you’re sorry. Don’t make excuses, get defensive, blame someone else or get angry. Simply apologize. (Practice your tone of voice on this one because it makes all the difference.) This one tip will help you more than you can believe.
4. Obey the little rules. Trust me on this one. If you obey the little rules like your curfew, they may ease up on you when you want a bigger thing that requires more trust.
5. Send them reeling with this one simple question, “So, how was your day?” Give them a minute to get their bearings and follow up with another question about them. They will look at you like you are the most sensitive, caring child in the universe.
6. Practice eye contact with a genuinely pleasant facial expression. You only have to do this for a few seconds for it to have a big impact.
7. If you know they are going to ask you to do something, do it before you’re asked. If you know your mom is going to ask you to set the table for dinner, just do it. This will eliminate a lot of what you perceive as nagging.
8. When it’s your turn to pray in your family, pray for each family member by name. Pray for their specific needs. This will give them such a love chill like you won’t believe. They will probably want to do something nice for you in return because you are so thoughtful.
9. Write them a note. It doesn’t have to be a long letter, just a simple note you leave on their pillow that says, “I love you” or, “Thanks for everything you do for me.” Little gestures of kindness like this will melt their hearts.
10. Be patient. Talk slower, and tone down your voice. When you feel yourself talking fast or getting agitated, take a breath, slow down and lower your voice. It will keep them calm, which is how you want them. (Oh, and help them read the small print on labels and operate the DVD player. It will help their shrinking egos, and they will dub you as the family genius.)

Laurie Snow Turner is a writer in the Washington, D.C., area. Check out her blog at lauriesnowturner.com.