Utah is not the state with the largest families anymore.
According to the University of Utah Kem C. Gardner Policy Institute, Utah’s fertility rate has decreased. Again. In 2022, we dropped from having the highest fertility rate in the nation to fourth highest. Now, we’ve dropped from having the fourth highest fertility rate to the 10th highest, with 1.8 births per woman.
The highest fertility rates in the nation currently belong to South Dakota, with 1.91 births per woman, Nebraska with 1.91, North Dakota with 1.85, Alaska with 1.83, and Louisiana with 1.83 births per woman.
Despite the dystopian feeling I get when I see mothers and children represented by decimal points, I am interested in understanding this trend and why Utah’s fertility rate continues to free-fall while fertility rates in the Midwest increase.
The Kem C. Gardner fact sheet states, “Economic factors such as housing and child care costs and broader social factors like postponement of marriage and childbearing all influence fertility rate declines.” Which makes sense. The housing market in Utah is, to use a scientific term, completely bonkers. We bought our first house 10 years ago and it’s now worth triple what we paid for it. On top of that, the average cost of child care in Utah is close to a thousand dollars per child, making having a family in a home a pretty expensive endeavor.
I completely understand why parents are having fewer children than they were a decade ago. And I’m not here to tell anyone how many children they should have. That would be an insane thing for a humor columnist to do and I am in no way qualified to offer that kind of advice. Especially in a time when houses cost literal millions of dollars and child care eats up a significant amount of parents’ incomes.
But I am here to ask a very important question — if we’re not the state of large families, who are we?
I’ve been watching the reality series “The Baldwins” on Max. It follows Alec Baldwin, his much younger wife Hilaria, and their seven children in their New York City apartment and at their house in The Hamptons. Hilaria, Alec and all of their friends declare multiple times to the camera how wild it is that they have seven children. And I know I’m a dyed-in-the-wool Utahn because my response is always, “That’s it?”
Seven kids is a lot of kids, obviously. It’s certainly more children than I could personally handle. However, TWO different families on my block growing up had more than seven kids. More than 10 kids, actually. Each family would take up two rows of pews at church. The kids occupied half the school bus. They had to host Thanksgiving in the chapel gym just to fit everyone. So the Baldwins’ kid count just doesn’t feel that remarkable to me. Nor do grocery store parking lots full of minivans or gigantic SUVs with stick-figure family decals that span the entire width of the back windshield. This is the Utah I’ve always known.
Casserole eating and Costco shopping in the state with a gajillion kids has been our identity for as long as I can remember. But if the data is any indication, Utah parents are having two kids, not 10. So, as we hand over the big family title to the Midwest and Southern states, we need to find a new identity.
I’ve come up with a few ideas for us to consider for recruiting purposes. Please remember, there are no bad ideas in brainstorming.
The state where you can buy 1 item at Trader Joe’s and it will feed your whole family
I’ve done my part to raise the fertility rate by having 3.0 children, and do you know what that means? It means I have to buy two of everything at Trader Joe’s because one isn’t enough to feed five of us. For example, for dinner tonight, I’m cooking the premarinated shawarma chicken thighs, but I had to buy two packages because one is only enough for about three people. Two packages of the chicken honestly makes too much but I’d rather that than too little, you know? The leftovers are pretty good for lunch the next day. Fewer children, however, would mean fewer packages required.
The state where your whole family can fit at a single table at In-N-Out
The booths at our local In-N-Out are too short to comfortably seat five people and the other tables only seat four. If you take up two tables during the dinner rush that feels pretty rude, but if you have more than four people, what are you supposed to do? Bring in a couple of lawn chairs? Fewer children would make for a more comfortable dining experience.
The state where you can drive a normal-sized vehicle
I have no data to back this up, but I feel pretty confident that “I need a car that will fit everyone” is the No. 1 request at Utah car dealerships. It was my request the last time I bought a car. You would think that with three children, a standard five-passenger vehicle would do the trick. But alas, what if one child has a friend that wants to join us on an outing? What if everyone needs their own car seat, making the middle row too tight? What if you’re bringing the dog someplace, too? A normal-sized vehicle just won’t do for even a five-passenger family. Which is why so many of us end up with vans or giant Suburbans that are nearly impossible to park. Fewer children would mean smaller car payments and less park-related incidents.
OK, maybe there are bad ideas in brainstorming. Because I wouldn’t trade the chaos of three kids for less groceries or more comfortable restaurant seating or a nice, normal-sized sedan. Nor would any other parents I know. So maybe we need to focus elsewhere for our rebrand.